Pronouns are funny things.

I remember as a kid my mum telling me off for saying “she” when referring to her in the third person while she was in the room: “‘who’s she?’ she’d ask, “the cat’s mother?” So I learnt that it was rude to refer to people in the third person if they were present. By that logic, you’d never know if I misused your pronouns!

I also keep getting flashbacks to Princess Leia complaining that she isn’t a committee. Not, strictly speaking, relevant other than as an insight into how my brain works!

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A couple of days ago I was chatting to one colleague and we mentioned another in passing. I noticed that Colleague 1 referred to Colleague 2 as “they”.

I asked if they knew something that I didn’t.

“No,” he said, “I just didn’t want to make assumptions.”

He has a non-binary child, so is perhaps more attuned to the needs of others to have pronouns used that affirm their identity than I am.

I had a think about it over the weekend. I am the team lead. And you know, I am a eunuch, a classical non-binary gender, so I feel that I have some responsibility to make an effort.

Over the weekend, I thought to myself “I’ll just ask- the people to whom it matters like to be asked, and those who don’t won’t care.”

In the morning stand-up, we did our usual loop round the virtual room. At one point I had to refer to Colleague 2 in the third person – and I completely forgot about the previous week’s conversation and said “he”. That nudge jarred my brain.

After stand-up I asked Colleague 2 “I hope you don’t mind me asking – but what are your pronouns please?”

The response itself was rewarding “Hi Jay, I very much appreciate you asking, it’s they/them”

I followed up with “I will do my best to remember and use them 🩷 I’m a he/they. Would you like me to tell the group and ask them to respect your pronouns?”

He wrote “Awww, nice to know there’s fellow representation, thank you, that would be appreciated “

I sent a note on Teams to my team – I stated my pronouns at the same time (he/they), as much for solidarity and to let the team know that Colleague 2 wasn’t the only one.

The response from the team was simple: seven hearts from seven different people- two of the hearts were Pride colours. Pretty much the whole team.

Painless and no effort. And a member of my team feels accepted, validated, and seen.

… now I just have to remember to use them myself!