Its a little thing, but today I am going to watch Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope on Star Wars Day!

My husband wasn’t big on Star Wars. He never “got it”. He didn’t grow up with it and didn’t live in an environment where he could have enjoyed it.

I was only four when it came to cinema. He would have been fourteen. On paper you’d think that he would have been more of an age to enjoy it, but his family just didn’t have the dynamics to foster fantasy because his home didn’t feel safe enough for that kind of imagination.

The thing is, that I was unaware of it until it came to television a few years after its release – maybe I was eight or so. And the toys were released. I was of an age for the merchandise to hook me. And I was hooked! My poor mum searched high and low for the figures that I wanted.

The last one she ever bought me was “the white Princess Leia” with the cinnamon bun hair-do. She found her just as I grew out of the toys.

They disappeared into the loft, and then disappeared off to a charity store or somewhere. They are long gone now.

Others my age were also hooked. We played Star Wars in the playground. I was often C3P0. Although I wanted to be Luke … but I was rather besotted with Leia – I love and still love feisty, powerful women with a bit of sass. (Miss Piggy was another childhood heroine!) I think I saw my mum’s as strong because she stayed with my difficult dad.

My parents loved the films too. My dad in particular. Long after I was fully grown and flown the nest, they would settle down to watch Empire or Return of the Jedi together and remember the joy the films brought their little boy.

I have always loved the films. I know much of the script verbatim. If one of the films is on in an electrical store, I will probably stand transfixed before the silent screen, knowing every word that is spoken, every sound that is made, and following the musical score along in my head.

I have always wanted somebody to share my enthusiasm for the films, characters, and music.

And never have.

Most Star Wars days it would just feel too uncomfortable to watch a film. Husband didn’t enjoy them and I had it in my head that we should watch the same thing, eat the same thing, go to bed in the same bed and at the same time. Afraid that we would fall apart if we didn’t.

In feeling controlled I was controlling. I insisted on always sharing those rituals.

There’s a whole essay there.

Tonight I watch Episode IV – alone.