I have felt worried that Funiculosus’ partner might feel jealous or threatened by me. I don’t want him to feel that. Therefore, I want to really focus on the dynamics of the polycule that I talked about in today’s counselling.

Richard tried various ways to help me think it through. Things like “how would you feel if you were Funiculosus’ partner and the situation was reversed?”

I didn’t get it, at least not until after the counselling session.

Then I remembered how reassuring he was when I met up with a guy a few weeks ago – Funiculosus reassured me that everything was still ok. When we met up the following weekend, he looked into my eyes and held my hands and told me that he wanted me to have fun and that it changed nothing between us.

Richard managed to get me to understand that Funiculosus knew what he was doing and was probably at least as reassuring towards the love of his life as he was with me.

It wasn’t until after the session that my brain said “just who do you think you are?!”

Whoa!

“Funiculosus and his partner have been open since day one – that’s over twenty years! His partner must know that Funiculosus will always come home and loves him absolutely by now!”

That was it. I am a Johnny-come-lately and one of an unknown series. Funiculosus has had many subs – he still has other subs (although he says that he doesn’t feel towards them in the same way as he does towards me). Even if Funiculosus and I do have a connection that is unusually strong for one of his playmates, it’s still a drop in the ocean of how they feel about each other.

And I am glad.

I want them to be happy and I love that they include me from time to time.

I feels reassuring to know where I am in this funny little triad – at this point in my life, as the final act in my marriage plays out – I don’t have the headspace for anything bigger.