So much of my thinking and exploration has been about what kind of people I want to spend time with.

Don’t they say “be the change you want to see in the world”? So now I find myself thinking about what kind of person do I want to be?

There’s a saying often attributed to St Francis of Assisi:

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.

So it is that while my dear puppy daddy and rope master, Funiculosus, is going through some tough times that I want to be with him to offer him love, support, and encouragement. Supporting him makes me feel warm and loving – that’s not why I do it, but that’s what I get from it.

Supporting people who are easy to be around is the easy part. The harder part is the other people in my life that I have had difficulties with. How can I be somebody who soothes their nervous systems?

Not reacting immediately and giving them time to feel what they need to feel. Inside me there will be feelings of wanting to run away, or curl up and hide. I can resist them so long, but sooner or later those feelings will win – boundary number one would seem to be warning the other person that I am nearing capacity and not just disappearing.

Consistency and clear boundaries is definitely one thing I can do to create calmness in those relationships. Name them and be clear about them. These relationships are important and I must therefore be willing to take the risk and put the effort in to maintain.

And not withdrawing unpredictably – even setting boundaries like “I can spend x amount of time with you” will help. That is also self-care: my boundaries exist to protect me – if I burn out, shutdown, or have a meltdown because I have gone beyond what I can handle then nobody is benefiting!

The trick I need to be able to pull off is being a calming presence that is able to soothe those around me. Part of that must be through the very act of looking after myself.

My boundaries need to be part of what makes me safe to be around.