Today’s counselling felt like a bit of a brain dump. It can be like that sometimes: the usual catch-up rambles from topic to topic and back again.

As with many of my counselling sessions, it was split into two halves. The first we talked about recent events with my husband.

Richard (my counsellor) was much more understanding of my little meltdown at the hospital, but he was also proud that I’d manage to identify when I shifted from rescuer to persecutor and that in so doing I had broken out of that poisonous cycle.

Awareness is progress – and awareness creates the possibility of choice.

The events of Easter week with my husband (not yet ex) led the discussion to move towards whether we can even be friends yet. Richard identified that the husband is trying to have best friend type conversations with me about me, which will probably never be possible – you can’t talk about your ex with your ex!

That naturally led into a harder question – I asked myself whether we should have a more substantial break and let the dust settle more before trying to spend time together? Richard seemed to think that it was worth thinking about.

I have always been afraid that if we broke contact that I would never see nor hear from him again. At the time, talking to Richard, that didn’t feel like such a terrible thing. But now, a day later, I can feel tears when I think of never seeing him again.

I must be honest with myself: I still hope that one day I will get what I need from my husband. Maybe his reading my blog and really understanding what it is I want creates that possibility.

Most likely that time has passed.

I feel grief while I write those words.

The second half of the session followed those thoughts about my emotional needs further.

I have loved – and still love – my husband.

And I know that he loved and loves me still. I know that his very heart is broken.

But I can’t recall being soothed by him and feeling safe with him for a very long time.

Which brought me back to a simpler question: what does love actually feel like?

The surest sign of healthy love is somebody who soothes your nervous system.