I chat with my dad on the phone at least once a week. He always says the same things, which I am used to, but I felt particularly uncomfortable this time.

He was talking about women – leering after them as they went about their business – even his best friend isn’t immune to this treatment (although she get’s “dirty old man lite”).

In so many ways I am used to it, but today it just creeped me out.

How would he feel if I talked to him about ogling the plumber or guys at the gym?

I am damned sure he wouldn’t like it!

That’s hypocritical straight male entitlement.

That got me thinking.

There are a number of causes of homophobia. Some guys are, lets say, not straight and are afraid of themselves. Internalised homophobia projected outwards. Even when they accept themselves as having an attraction to me, they dismiss it as “I’m not gay if I only top” or “I am discreet” (for which I hear “I have a lot of self-shame” – like my friend Ambrosius).

And there are other men who don’t like being thought of in the same way that they think about women: as sexual objects by somebody who might pose the same physical intimidation as women could be feeling towards them.

I think that my dad is in the second camp.

On the one hand he is “live and let live”. He was always OK with my husband. But I have had the sense that there are things that I couldn’t say to him – about what I thought about some other men (“phwoar! he’s hot!” kind of thing).

I guess that’s why gay-lib and women’s-lib are natural allies: because gay men can highlight the inequality in attitudes around sex between men and women.

We both suffer from the effects of straight male privilege.

What am I going to do about my dad though? I need to be honest about how I feel when he talks. Or I could excuse his behaviour as “not worth the trouble” – but that would further undermine my relationship with him: of all the people in my life, he is the one I feel the least able to be authentic with.

If he’s important to me (and he is), I need to find a way to express my discomfort. What he does with that will be down to him.

He has a history of dismissing my feelings when they challenge his behaviour, or justifying himself with “I’m not as bad as other people”. This is the most likely outcome.

If he does nothing, then the best I am willing to do myself is refuse to participate in those conversations with a polite “I am not happy talking about women in this way, dad”.