My Rope Master, Funiculosus, had a driving accident earlier in the week that has left his car undrivable and him shaken. We’d planned to go to the Nuzzles puppy play event this weekend, but he was unable to drive (and the days after the accident sounded almost like he was afraid to leave the house). I suggested coming to him just to be company.

To cheer him up, I wore a special football kit that I’d had made just to please him.

It did! He does a lot to please me, and I enjoy pleasing him.

After a wee (practical) followed by a cuddle (emotional), he told me what had happened.

He was still very shaken, but needed to get it out. I just needed to sit with him and hold the moment.

He told me of the sleepless nights he’d had since, and how he’d been watching cooking and shibari videos on YouTube to help him relax. In the dark of the night, he would focus on imagining performing particularly ties – a little like a kinky equivalent of counting sheep. I’m a bit sadder than Funiculosus, instead I try to calculate prime numbers!

He showed me a tie on my forearm called a “gauntlet”, which was snug but comfortable. Immediately I found myself drifting into that space of profound calm.

I was supposed to be calming him!

Yet I knew that the focus that he put into his shibari work was helping him: he does it because it fulfills a part of who he is and calms his mind, just as much as it fulfills a part of me and calms my mind.

He became somewhat of his usual self, and the second tie was a little more sensual. There were kisses and hugs exchanged.

Afterwards, we switched from the sensual to the profane and had a sandwich! I was still wearing both ties while he prepared it! He removed one of the ties so that I could eat.

After lunch, he walked me into town, still wearing the “gauntlet” tie. I loved the texture of the rope on my skin, it’s tightness, which I found reassuring. And the thrill of the deviance in public.

We went to a local cafe where he treated me to a soufflé pancake! It was to die for!

Nobody seemed to notice the rope on my forearm – I guess it just looked like the sleeve of a stylish pullover!

The wonder of our friendship is that it is rooted in kink, but cemented by real life. The boundaries that exist protect us both emotionally and make the depth of our bond possible.

On the way home I dropped in on my husband to give him some cake that I’d baked. He asked about Nuzzles and I told him that I’d not gone and instead went to visit a friend who’d had an accident. His mood changed and he withdrew. I found that the sense of calm that I’d built with Funiculosus was more than a little cracked by seeing my husband.

I want to build a friendship with my husband, sort of starting from first principles, but the tension that so often comes to the surface when I’m with him makes that feel like an impossible task. It knots my stomach and clouds my brain.

I fear never seeing him again because I do love him and want him in my life – I still want to share my life with him.

Maybe that is impossible.

Or at least impossible without shrinking myself back into the compressed container that used to hold me.