Content note: relationship conflict, dissociation/shutdown, and references to past emotional and physical harm.

I didn’t think we’d be looking at the timeline today – there was quite a bit to unpack from the Christmas period.

Most of the session circled around New Years Day with my husband.

We compare the success of Christmas Day with the discomfort (disaster?) of New Years Day: for Christmas my husband and I had agreed clear boundaries, for New Year no such negotiation had taken place. He had ambushed me by having me think that we would be talking about how he’d felt when I didn’t answer his messages promptly instead of the rehash of our history.

Richard (my counsellor) also pointed out that my husband must have seen that I was in a bad place. I didn’t think so – I think that he gets his momentum going of whatever is on his mind and freewheels from there.

I have felt (and even at times have said) that it seems that I don’t even need to be there for some of these “talks”.

Richard also pointed out that if my husband had been really worried about me that he could have called an ambulance or some round to check on me. Good points.

A frequent motif with my husband is the large use of “you” in his talks. “You did this”, “You said that” kind of thing. It feels like a verbal accusatory stabby-finger and not accepting of my husband’s own part nor owning his own emotions. Richard said that this use of “you” could push me into the “victim” corner of the drama triangle, from where I could well jump into the “persecutor” and go on the attack – which does happen sometimes.

I told Richard that as soon as my husband went off-topic, that I pretty much went straight into shutdown, with only occasional flashes. I managed to get husband home, but collapsed later. Again Richard asked how does my husband simply not see the shutdowns? Richard can see them – he could see that in tonight’s session that I was struggling.

A though occurred to me towards the end of the session – I realise that I felt safe letting a stranger tie me up, but had never felt safe asking my husband to do it: I think its because I never really felt either emotionally nor physically safe with him – not after so many emotional and physical attacks over the years. The vast majority of those might have been when he was obviously ill, but when something is felt in the gut, you can’t easily separate the here-and-now from the past.

Richard suggested that next time we could roleplay creating boundaries with my husband so that we don’t just go round in circles. I thought that was a good idea.

I realise that my recollections of the session are incomplete, which is a sure-fire sign that I was struggling. I was definitely finding words difficult and having trouble marshalling my thoughts.

That’s where dogs come in handy: when he left, I had to feed the dog and walk her – and that regained me some mental stability to get me through the evening.

It still cost me though – I slept long and deep and woke up late the next day.