⚠️ Content note: BDSM, rope suspension.

For more years than I can remember the thumb and index finger on my left hand to numb sometimes. Occasionally they’ll wake me up in the night. Funiculosus even noticed that I kept taking my left hand off the handlebars when cycling – it seems that I do it a lot.

Thena free weeks ago the pain started. It was bad at night and would wake me up. It was painful to grip things with my left hand. I stopped going to the gym (I’d only been back a few weeks). It hurt a lot when I was reading, so I even bought special doberries to help keep the pages open so that I could rest my left hand.

Funny that it was never numb when it pained, and it never pained when it was numb.

I finally caved in and saw the doctor.

It didn’t take her long to diagnose carpal tunnel syndrome. She suggested that I buy a splint and refer myself to physio.

It’s not going to kill me, and I should recover from it using the splint at night and for a few hours a day. Physio may help – but with the kind of waiting lists we have, I might be dead before I’m seen.

I told Funiculosus, who (sensibly) suggested that we avoid suspension for now. Of course i didn’t want to not fly! “We’ll see how it goes: if it causes problems, I promise to say”.

For suspension, the ropes need to be tighter and more secure than for a regular session. My wrists felt a little tight, but I didn’t say anything – I was dropping into that wonderful pink candyfloss of subspace.

However, by the time he’d tied my legs, the numbness in both my hands was unmistakable.

I managed to communicate that to him and he quickly worked to release me.

And then I cried. The feelings were intense.

Not disappointment.

Or relief.

But from the wonderful feelings of being cared for.

Kink can be dangerous, but with him I feel safer – physically and emotionally like I have never felt before.

He held me while I tried to explain it to him. He got it, and was moved himself.

Then I explained how the position of my wrists is crucial to making my hands numb. Prolonged flexion was the problem for me. In the future, I might wear my splint, but perhaps we could try again, but with my hands tied to my sides?

Funiculosus was delighted to try again, and the experience of shibari that he has gained since working with me helped him to fashion a safe chest harness that enabled me to fly again.

I don’t really know how long I floated there. For a while he lay under me, looking up and kissing me. Hovering above somebody, unable to initiate anything is a thrilling sensation.

He released me slowly, starting from the legs. He was slightly worried about my arms, but I assured him that we’re fine.

Then we retired to the sofa again and he held me.

Safe.