⚠️ Content warning: heart attack, possible cardiac symptoms, A&E, anxiety, fear of dying.

Here I am again: A&E.

For a few days now I’ve felt a little strange. My heart feels noisy in my chest.

This morning I went to the gym and had to stop during a light session because I felt light-headed again.

Like I did leading up to my heart attack.

This evening I went for a short run. That was fine and felt good.

But then the lightheadedness started and the sense that my hands and legs felt a little numb. Not numb as in dead, but somehow more remote.

Just as they did before my heart attack.

My heart feels like it’s working hard, but my heartrate is normal.

Exactly like before.

My chest feels tight though with a strange sensation in the top middle.

That is different.

So is this a repeat of last time?

Or am I simply feeling anxious?

Work stress? Or one too many coffees today?

By nighttime the sensations were too imposing to ignore. I don’t think that I found have slept.

Actually, it did occur to me that I’d I went to sleep I might not wake up.

Perhaps the anxiety around the anxiety is causing this.

So I got myself to A&E. I didn’t phone for help, I just got an Uber.

After check-in at reception, I waited five minutes before being taken through to an inner waiting room and a bracelet is popped on my wrist.

I want to tell my friends. But they’ll be going to bed about now.

I want to tell my ex – but I’ve not heard from him for over a fortnight and I’m worried about him.

I feel lightheaded still. The feelings come in surges. Every now and then I felt like I might pass out, but I stop myself.

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Four hours later, after chest x-ray, blood tests, and ECG, the doctor comes to tell me all is normal.

He was very sweet and I did not feel that I’d wasted his time at all.

After so long and becoming so tired, the sensations seemed to burn themselves out.

I got only three hours sleep last night, what with my little outing to the emergency room and needing to get up at seven for work. It is Saturday tomorrow, so I have some time to recover … and I am seeing Funiculosus for a bit of play – which will really boost my recovery and spirit!

But … this is the first checkup of my heart of any kind since the cardiac surgeon discharged me six weeks after the event … so actually I suddenly find myself feeling much better about things!

So I’m anxious! It might kill me eventually – but not yet!