I really think Calpurnius wants a Relationship. I need to find the courage to have The Talk with him: for me it is too soon after my divorce, I feel too broken.

I find that I cannot properly be myself and be open about my life with him because there are things that I have to say. And I keep steering away from them – why? Because things are uncomfortable for me, it hurts to spend time with Calpurnius, even though he is funny, kind, and gentle.

Its more awkward because we have cuddled and he has kissed me – cuddling I just did without even thinking about it (hell! can’t friends cuddle?), but that must have been sending a confusing message.

I talked it through with a couple of other friends and I have to find time to talk to Calpurnius about this because it is upsetting me a lot and spoiling the development of our friendship.

The time I met with Calpurnius it was in the company of some of his friends to play a mad game of Cards Against Humanity. It would have been a perfect night if I hadn’t have driven and allowed myself to get a little tipsy … and I’d not felt tense around him.

The next week I became aware that I was avoiding him – being slow at answering messages and equivocating when asked when I’d next like to meet up.

When he messaged me later that week to ask my advice on a dripping tap I knew that I had to engage. I said that I’d come round later than evening and take a look.

The tap wasn’t the kind I was used to (I have no idea how this one could be safely disconnected from the mains without an isolator valve). However, he had found a YouTube video that gave me the confidence to have a closer look: it will be a simple job.

Then we sat on the sofa and I welled up a little and said that I needed to talk.

Personally, I hate the phrase “we need to talk” – I find it triggering and it’ll send me into an anxiety spiral that will make any following conversation pointless.

Calpurnius didn’t go into an anxiety spiral.

“I am not ready for a relationship” I eventually managed to say.

And I think he felt relief as much as I did!

He is only a year out of a breakup himself and values his freedom too much. He understood. He hugged me, knelt before me with his hands on my knees and reassured me that he values our friendship and we can still cuddle and whatever happens, happens.

What a relief!

I am increasingly finding that being emotionally honest with people is safe – and rewarding.