Last night I had a “gentleman caller”. We’d met on Scruff. I’d kinda given up on the idea of sex for the week and had reverted to my prescribed dose of testosterone … I had also been conducting “systems tests” all week.

His profile didn’t have much on it other than “versatile” and some photos that revealed a well built chap only slightly older than me.

He was excited and horny and wanted to come round. I liked the look of him so agreed for an after work hookup.

When he arrived, he seemed a little nervous and excited, but I didn’t think much of it … until afterwards: I was his first!

Fuck.

A lot of things came up for me then – memories of my own first time and a sense of responsibility that I don’t usually feel: he might be older than me in years, but I was the Gay Elder! My own first time was not a nice experience and I hoped that his would be something better – safer.

I felt that I had responsibilities. Firstly, I listened to him about the current turmoil in his life. Things are really rough for him at the moment and I was full of compassion for him as he sat at the edge of the bed and told me everything that was going on for him.

He was also upset that I’d not made any “eunuch goo” for him – he was afraid that it was his fault. I had to explain a little about my hormones and that I’d dialled them down because I wasn’t expecting to “get lucky” mid-week and that it was nothing to do with him and that I thought he was a good looking guy. I said that I would very much like to see him again – if he ever felt like it. Personally, I don’t care so much whether I cum or not – sometimes I don’t even like having my remaining genital touched (that’s a subject for a different day).

Then I had to get serious with him. I haven’t got into the habit of discussing safer sex practices since I am on PrEP, have various vaccinations, and pretty much anything you do catch these days can be treated. And I have generally assumed that anyone I am with is either on PrEP or undetectable (most people put it on their profile anyway).

I had forgotten my first rule of sex: assume nothing.

I gave him a bit of a gay sex ed talk about getting testing, getting vaccinated, and getting PrEP. Then I gave him a bottle of my PrEP,I explained the 2:1:1 method that I use, and encouraged him to talk to a sexual health clinic about whether it was right for him. Maybe not the perfect thing to do, but I wanted to look after the chap.

After a while talking, he held me in a long hug that said much without words – and went on his way.

I hope to see him again.

Not because I feel responsible for him, and certainly not because I think I can fix anything in his life. Simply because, for a few hours, we connected – and I hope he felt as safe with me as I felt trusted by him.