I had a “gentleman caller” visit last night.

I told my friend and Dom, Funiculosus, that he was coming. I felt really strange about seeing somebody else.

Which is very strange, because Funiculosus and I aren’t partners. He has a long-term partner already.

What was this feeling?

After the visitor had left, I messaged Funiculosus again. We often chat in the evenings, but this time I wanted something more –

Reassurance!

But why? We don’t “own” each other. There’s nothing exclusive in our relationship. He has occasionally seen other subs and I didn’t feel anything like jealousy or concern that he’d not want to play with me again.

He was reassuring. I don’t know that he understood why I felt what I was feeling. I am not even sure I could label what it was I was feeling!

Let’s do some emotional prodding and see what I come up with!

Firstly, what does “being his sub” actually mean to me, emotionally? He often says “I see you” in his messages – and I do feel seen as a person. It means an awful lot to me. I don’t think I have felt so seen before.

Did I feel like I’d diluted something by seeing someone else? The relationship with my Dom has become crucial to my life. The play we have together completes me in ways I could never have imagined before. It is beyond intimate – there is a connection on multiple levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Physical connection I kinda expected. Emotional wasn’t unexpected. But spiritual? I had no idea that such things were possible! I must say: I feel a touch of fear around losing this connection. Ha! I would be devastated if this relationship ended!

Was I seeking reassurance that I’m still seen in the same way? Absolutely! And he knew just what to say to put me at my ease: he called me “his puppy”, which is his pet name for me.

Do I want to feel special without being exclusive – and what does that cost? He does make me feel special, even though he has a partner whom he adores and other play mates. He leads me to believe that we have a special connection – a bond – that goes beyond simple BDSM play.

But, if he had been completely neutral or distant afterwards… how would that have felt? I think I would have been even more fearful. So what does that tell me about our relationship?

What I realise is that in part my emotional regulation is assisted by him. OK, I’ll stop being polite: during our play my emotional stability is completely managed by him! And I love it! I suppose that is part of our play – it is emotionally regulating. And he holds some of that space between sessions.

Our communication styles are aligned, which actually gives me a strong sense of belonging and specialness. It also affirms my identity, both as his sub, but also within my specific gender because he absolutely sees me as an entity without the historic baggage of having been perceived as one thing previously and another thing now.

So what was the feeling? Fear of loss.