A couple of days ago I exchanged a series of WhatsApp messages with my husband. He is still trying to work out how he fits into my life and is afraid to ask. I say that I am seeing a friend and he gets into a tizz as to whether that’s a friend or a “friend” (ie a sexual encounter).

I’d previously said to him that when he was ready he should ask me about my friends – I want to share some aspects of my life with him – especially friendships I’ve developed.

I do keep secrets from him and there are many omissions from what I feel that I can tell him. That’s a mixture of self-protection and care-taking my husband’s mental health.

There’s always a risk that he’ll go into a depression tailspin or become angry – at least in the past. I still have that fear now and my mind clouds with the anxiety and my stomach tightens.

But it was playing on his mind and disrupting his sleep, and my reassuring words over WhatsApp weren’t calming him, so when he asked me to go over to talk to him with “total honesty”.

I agreed to go.

I also went into my own super-anxious tailspin as I began to worry about what exactly he wanted to talk about and whether this was going to be a confrontational meeting. My thoughts raced and then became tangled, and again my tummy tightened. I tried some hypnosis to calm me down, and chatted with a friend to gain some perspective. It helped a little.

When I got there, he looked tired, but “OK”. We hugged – we always do. Then he made me some tea and I clumsily asked him to start.

It became clear that he is still struggling to know how he fits into my life. We agree that friendship is the only place to start. If we ever get back together belongs to the unknowable future and should not distract us.

He knows that I have been seeing guys. He hard that I had always been faithful while we were together. I think that did offer some reassurance. I also reassured him that there were no secrets hanging over form the time of our relationship.

He said that tonight wasn’t the time to share about friendships, but it seems that he is ready to start hearing things – maybe the next time we meet.

He did wander off topic a few times. I let him speak – he always says that conversations go where they go “and that’s OK”, but I was aware that I was already tired after a poor night’s sleep myself and my own anxiety was draining my resources: I didn’t know how much time I would be able to usefully spend with him.

I asked “Can I make sure that you say what you need to say?” he understood and did draw the conversation back again (a few times).

I described “shades of friendship” which seemed to freak him out a bit. I explained – friendships exist on a spectrum. Some friends might themselves struggle with boundaries, so I keep them bounded myself (eg “this is my movie friend”. Others are well bounded and I can more safely be fully myself with them. Others might blur the boundaries between friend and something else (read between the lines there). Some are friends for a season, some for the years. Some are just for fun, some are for emotional connection.

Fun is time without the weight of history. Emotional connection is time spent without fear of consequence. Neither or both can be sexual.

My husband has the history – happy and sad. Its the familiar creating feelings of safety and fear. Those things don’t exist happily together and create a tension that is uncomfortable. My wish is to get past the discomfort and into a comfortable space with him.

The “shades of friendship” implies a fluidity – people can drift from one space into another, or occupy multiple spaces. “Friends with benefits” might be an example of somebody who fulfils multiple roles, but isn’t a primary partner.

At the moment, both my husband and I are trying to work out what “shade” our relationship is going to have. There are unknowns and ambiguities which we will have to bottom out eventually … but not all in one night!

My husband eventually got it. He doesn’t want a list of conquests – and neither would I give him such a thing. He didn’t know if he’ll ever be ready for such a thing – I don’t know think that would be useful or proper in any case.

Friendship is the safest word we have right now, but at least he have some idea of what future disclosure might look like.

I slept better that night. Relief can do that to you.