After the relaxing and fun time with Funiculosus, I spent the evening wit my husband.

I’d had a few jobs to do before I went to see him, so while I was out I bought him an electric blanket so that he won’t be cold and make his emphysema worse. I also bought him some pink roses. I had wanted to buy yellow roses for friendship (as Patriculus said).

I walked to the husband’s flat with the dog. When I arrived I presented the flowers. He was touched and delighted – he said that he thought that nobody would ever buy him flowers again.

He was in the middle of cooking his signature “spare rib meal”, which is a Chinese inspired dish with egg fried rice, steak marinaded in soy sauce, and pork belly rather than ribs because I don’t like the using cutlery and my fingers when eating because I don’t like greasy cutlery.

He was getting a bit stressy over the cooking. Over the last few years he gets so much more anxious. Cooking used to be something that he always seemed in control of and used to enjoy, but not any more. Its a great pity.

Over dinner we talked about things in our lives apart, mostly catching up on health matters. He as been struggling with the pharmacy and the doctors to organise his medications in a timely manner and sometimes he misses out on his medications for several days at a time. This is very stressful for him. Its the kind of thing I used to help him with.

I was surprised to learn that he had recently been assessed for autism! I knew that he planned to ask for a referral, but his psychiatrist pressed him to pursue it and get the doctor to expedite it. I think it makes a lot of sense for him and I am delighted that he has been assessed, sadly this is a simple pass/fail check so there are risks, however a “pass” would mean access to much more help with the kinds of things he finds difficult (such as rental agreements, sorting out bills, and all that stuff that I used to do). I rather feel that this could be a radical shift in his life as it improves understanding of himself as well.

We talked about one of the tests, which seemed to be about imagination or story telling. He’s always been very good at working out what’s going to happen next in a TV show or film. He thinks that’s down to pattern recognition than anything else.

He thought I might be upset that he’d been assessed. Not at all: I have “coped” OK all my life, the effects on my relationships haven’t always been positive (I suspect that it has a big role in the breakup of my marriage), but I can do practical things quite easily. Emotional things less so!

After dinner, I washed up and he dried and filed the pots and plates in their correct places.

Then we retired to the sofa.

He suggested watching Goodbye June, starring Helen Mirren – famous for being a siren even in her old age, playing a woman dying of cancer. Over Christmas.

My mum died of cancer two days after Christmas.

Actually, we say “they died of cancer”, they actually died of starvation and dehydration. It was hinted at briefly during the film, but not dwelt upon.

The film was a little twee and predictable, but there were a couple of times where I felt a lump of emotion as I recognised situations.

Throughout the film, the dog lay on the sofa between us (she was happy). And from time to time we held hands. I don’t remember who reach for whom. I liked the hand-holding very much – but I hope that I wasn’t crossing boundaries or messing with his emotions.

After the film finished I said to my husband that I thought it was good, but a little too light-hearted, except for one scene where the son says “Thank you for being my mum”.

BOOM!

Emotional integrity fields have collapsed!

And a tidal wave of grief broke over me and I started to sob uncontrollably and deeply.

There was part of me stood to one side in my mind watching me cry, astonished that this feeling was still inside me.

He pulled me into him and I lay for a while on him crying without restraint. He understands grief: he has had enough of it to last several lifetimes. I am the latest grief for him. Yet he still held me.

After I lay there for a while and the emotion had receded, I began to worry more about the boundary that had been crossed. Was it OK? He chose to comfort me and I am very grateful, the love and care is still there for both of us.

What I do not want is to become like his last boyfriend before me. This chap was unable to commit to a relationship and when he wanted to spread his oats he’d dump my husband. When he’d satisfied himself, they’d make up. This went on for a few years.

This wasn’t open relationship dynamics, this was a coward using my husband as a security blanket.

I will not be that person.

All that said, being held felt good and I was glad that the feeling about my mum is still there and that I was able to be safely vulnerable around him.

It is something for us to talk about sometime. I do not want to harm him, nor destabilise our fragile relationship further.

Sadly, the moment didn’t last because I was lying on his bladder and he needed a pee.

We watched a bit of telly together (something I realise that I missed) before I headed home.

It was after midnight when I finally got to bed.

It had been a good day full of surprises and emotion.