… continued from The Quiet Part of Christmas …

At just after quarter-past-one, I packed all the presents for my husband, grabbed the doggy poo bags, and walked across to his flat. It was cold, but bright. There is a silence to Christmas that I absolutely love: the traffic is at a minimum, so one can hear the wind in trees and the few birds valiantly singing on.

When I arrived he was in the throes of cooking. It is best not to interfere.

While he was cooking, we talked about our various health problems, difficulties with the doctors and so on, I talked a little about the house – practical things like plumbing problems. He had thought about my request for him to do odd jobs around the house (which I’d pay for, although I haven’t told him that yet). Then I talked about the “presents” I got for myself – especially the excitement I felt over the vacuum cleaner parts, which amused him because he never thought of me as any kind of domestic goddess.

I am minded of the line from My Fair Lady: “I suggest to stick to two subjects: the weather and your health”. they were all emotionally light-weight topics.

Lunch was delicious and well worth the wait. By wait, I mean that it was on time, since he said between two-thirty and three.

He’d cooked juicy chicken, ham, roast potatoes and parsnips caramelised in beef dripping, cauliflower cheese (which is the contribution I would have made in the past), sprouts, Yorkshire puddings. In a change from previous years, it was only enough to feed four, not the usual eight.

My husband had cooked enough for her to have her own roast dinner, but we weren’t going to give it to her until tea-time. Poor darling!

I took the dog for a walk. He’d suggested it; I suspect it was to create some space to decompress.

When I got back, we exchanged gifts. There was probably the same number as previous years. I think he liked what I’d got him. I loved what he got me – this special table for corner sofas, and a gorgeous print of two guys kissing. Amongst a few other well-chosen goodies, were also a pair of AussieBum jocks printed with unicorns, and a pair of “sub” socks. That meant a lot because one recognises my gender (which, after the initial shock and difficulties, he went to great lengths to support me with), and the socks recognise my kinks – which I think was potentially harder for him.

I didn’t buy him underwear because that felt too intimate. Perhaps that was a mistake. I did buy him socks, but they were playful and in no way sexual (unless you have a think for socks).

He’d also bought his own gifts for the dog, which she was very happy about. Indeed, the whole afternoon and evening she was in her happy place: both of her parents were there and she was surprisingly peaceful. Separation is traumatic for pets too. And there’s no way you can explain to a dog what’s going on.

We watched the last ever Strictly Come Dancing with Tess and Claudia as hosts. Strictly has been an important thing in our lives, we even went to see a live show once. Somehow it feels poignant that this last show with those hosts should happen at such a changing point in our lives. The show will go on, but it will be very different.

While we watched, we talked about the contestants, just like we used to do. I could watch the show with him there – I could concentrate on it for once. For the last half of the show I held his hand. I wanted to cuddle up into him. I miss him – even though we’d not cuddled for a very long time, I really miss it still and I crave it.

Afterwards, he heated up some Christmas pudding. It is Christmas, so the fact that I was already stuffed from eating a plate of food that could have fed two people I still ate the pudding.

Finally, after EastEnders, I got ready to head back to the house.

Just before I left, I looked at him – he looked like he was going to cry. I wanted to hold him and hold him. But it was time to go – we’d agreed that I would leave after the show after Strictly, and we’d slipped in Eastenders.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him – that feeling and holding it in made me want to cry myself. However, I told him that I wished I could take all the pain away. I hate that he hurts so much. I always have and I have done some awful things trying to shield him from emotions that he needed to feel.

When I got “home”, the house felt less homelike than at any time since he left. Emptier.

I was, however, very tired after three glasses of fizz and a Baileys.

But, you know what, this was a good day – one of the better ones, strangely enough. It was peaceful and we were even looking towards some kind of future together, a new phase in our relationship. Hopefully, starting with friendship. I really hope that it also includes space for both of our emotions and both of our authentic selves.

Whatever the details are, we talked about seeing a movie together sometime over the Christmas break. That feels very good.

Now it is time for a bit of trash TV and a cuddle with the dog before bed.

Reflecting on the day and summing it up: I left the dinner table feeling stuffed. I left him feeling like I still wanted more time.