This post contains open discussion of consensual kink, BDSM negotiation, and explicit sexual boundaries. It’s about communication and consent, but it doesn’t shy away from the details.Severus and I met on a gay hookup app in August. We were actually scheduled to meet in person the day after my heart attack! I messaged him from the hospital bed and explained the situation; he was really sweet about it and said that we could meet when I was feeling better. I got a sense that he was disappointed, which was nice. I didn’t get any feeling that he’d like to have gone ahead anyway: he wanted me to be better first.
I felt a bit nervous of reinitiating contact after so long, although I did occasionally visit his profile.
Roll on a few months and I got a “woof” from him again, which was wonderful!
We started chatting. Nothing heavy or detailed, just arranging a date and expressing mutual excitement about it.
The day came and he asked whether we could reschedule. He’s in an open relationship but the agreement is that part with others never happens when their partner is home. A clear boundary in their relationship: green flag.
Today, after confirming the time we are to meet up, he said what he would like to do and started asking what I would be happy with.
What followed was a negotiation – back and forth as he asked me what was ok and my responses of yes/no/maybe and “not on a first session”.
Severus even suggested and we agreed on a traffic light system: red being stop, amber meaning that I’m close to my limits, and by green being “I’m fine”.
He sounded like he’d be happy for a second serving, and at this point so am I – but we are both grown up enough to know that we won’t know whether we want to see each other again until we’ve played.
Here’s a paraphrase of our conversation, for your titillation but also for education on what a healthy negotiation around the boundaries of a kink session can look like:
Severus: I’m dominant and rough. Sometimes very rough, sometimes more vanilla. I’m into arse play, CBT, sounding, and cock torture. I like to finish with fuck — and cleanliness matters.
Jay: I love restraint, but that needs trust, so not this first time. I like being fucked hard, being physically directed — pushed, pulled, put where you want me. I’m exploring pain, slowly. My arse and scrotal void are where sensation really lives for me; my cock isn’t important, but you’re welcome to it if you want.
Severus: Hard slaps to the face?
Jay: Yes — knowing it’s coming makes it hot. I can be noisy, and I don’t mind that.
Jay: I’ve had boundaries crossed before when things weren’t discussed. If I know what you want, I’m usually open — but not everything is for today.
Severus: Blindfold?
Jay: Yes. I have one. And a gag.
Severus: Toys?
Jay: I have dildos — I’ll leave them out for you.
Severus: Marks? Belt on the arse? Photos — taken by me?
Jay: Yes to marks. Yes to photos, as long as you share them. Some things we can build up to if we want to meet again.
Severus: I want a safeword. One to pause, one to stop completely.
Jay: Traffic lights. Amber means close to my limit. Red means stop immediately.
Severus: Good.
(Later)
Severus: I’m so fucking horny about tonight.
Jay: Fuck yes.
Severus: Where are we playing?
Jay: Probably the bedroom. The dog doesn’t need a front-row seat.
The result of this discussion? It seems we are both excited about it.
Consent is key: when both know what to expect both can relax and really enjoy the moment.
I have also changed the bed and vacuumed the stairs. That wasn’t what Severus meant by clean, but I do have certain standards!
Eunuchorn 
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