At the weekly cinema trip with Ambrosius, I was feeling tired and a little out of sorts.

This morning actual tears are coming: I am feeling unbearably sad.

The dog knows that I’m sad and fussed me.

My husband would understand, and today I deeply miss his embrace.

Maybe today the losses are just too much: the longer loss of my mum, and the more recent separation from my husband. These things ache.

Today is mum’s birthday and I had planned to go to Clevedon for the rituals that bring peace to my grief by grounding me and giving me strength.

The weather isn’t supposed to be so good today, so I’m deferring until tomorrow.

Instead, I think I’ll go to Nuzzles, the local Pup Play event. I am not sure that I’m in the mood for it, so I’ll do the things that must be done this morning (run, shopping, and so forth), then go for at least an hour. It might cheer me up – and I will embody my pup’s persona fully and Pup Pizza will eat pizza!

Tonight, I plan to watch Strictly then pick out a film that mum loved. I’ll have a think what that might be.

And I’ll light a candle.

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I followed the plan for the day: shopping, then Nuzzles.

To try and lift my mood, I put my “Music to make my smile” playlist on. There were a couple of banging sing-along tracks that got me bopping, then Dukas’ “The Sorcerer’s Appreciate” came on. I listened to that three or four times!

First thing I learnt is that you get very sweaty and stinky wearing a PU tracksuit and walking for an hour!

When I arrived, I grabbed myself a coke, then went down the pizza hut and stared at it trying to hold off buying food for a last a few moments. I failed and ordered myself a pizza.

Danny, a pup from my last visit, came and found me and invited me to sit with his friends. I think there might have been some developments at the meet that I missed: he was very affectionate with a little fluorescent green puppy – bless! Seems they met last Nuzzles and have since become an item.

At one point I thought that Danny’s pup boyfriend was snuggling a rubber pup, then realised that Danny had put on the most gorgeous full body rubber cat suit. He looked (and smelt) magnificent!

People travel from all over to come to this event in Southampton. They report it as being one of the best ones around. The venue is pretty cool, too. The Hobbit (the venue) is a chilled vibe with a mix of rock and pop music.

Random technique titbit: buy a carabiner to attach the puppy mask to your bag or belt when it’s not in use.

They loved the customisations I’d made to my puppy hood – the ear and eyebrow piercings with eyelets to protect the material. Maybe next time I’ll bring the kit and set up a little piercing studio!

I’m found myself thinking that it would be much more puppy-like to steal another person’s pizza while they weren’t looking – naughty puppy!

Pup Danny and friends went to the ball pool while I ate my pizza. I felt kinda sad and lonely when they left. The low mood I’d woken up with I couldn’t quite shake off.

A spell in the ball-pool soon lifted my spirits a little: puppies diving and gamboling amongst the balls, and throwing them at each other and anybody who walked past the pool.

Half a dozen pups all cuddling and tickling each other. We only know each other as pups, yet we share affection and bodily warmth. A muscle pup put his arms around me and held me, which felt so very calming.

The pile of human puppies is peaceful and reassuring in it’s innocent anonymous intimacy.

It wasn’t the intimacy of warmth that I really wanted though – I wanted the affection of the man whom I loved for more than half my life.

Not performing the little rituals that acknowledged my enduring sense of loss cost me today – you cannot underestimate the importance of the things people do to live with grief.

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Walking home I realised something: my emotional and social batteries were dead. I couldn’t deal with another human being today. Nor, most likely, tomorrow.

I was craving a quiet evening – just me and the dog.

I’ve heard it said that “hell is other people” (or even “hell is other people’s children”), but heaven really is just me and the dog.