I had the day off to go to Bournemouth with my friend Ambrosius. We were catching a coach at midday with the intention of spending the afternoon in the sauna. Clearly, I would be going to participate only through the form of voyeurism.

Since I had time, I went to the gym for an hour. That felt good, but I have to be so aware of what my heart is doing – in particular it doesn’t respond well to quick changes in tempo or too much intensity.

When I got back from the gym, there was a package in the mat approximately book or DVD shaped. I didn’t remember buying a book or DVD.

The STD test kit!

I opened it up to see what inside. It looked complicated – the instruction sheet was a shiny page of A3 paper. Huge. With tiny writing. I needed my reading glasses or a magnifying glass to be able to read it.

After my shower, I decided to do the tests.

First up was a blood test.

Fuck. I have to use those stupid lancet things again. Last time they didn’t get enough blood and I ended up asking my husband to help. We used a vein in my arm and you’d have thought we’d hit an artery: blood went everywhere in a very impressive arc across the kitchen!

This time I actually managed to get enough blood out using the lancets! Hurrah for blood thinners!

I couldn’t find a ballpoint pen, so I had to use an ink pen to write my details in the vial. Which smudged because I got blood all over it.

Yep. My blood wasn’t clotting and was getting everywhere. I couldn’t get the plaster to stick.

The next test was the throat test. I gagged – it was so much worse than the COVID throat test!

After that it was the bum test, which was the easiest of the lot. There was a bit of discomfort as I pulled it out. Hmm. Is that piles… or is it Chlamydia?! Time will tell!

Everything I touched was getting blood on it. One of the tiny holes in my skin would simply not seal.

Finally, it was the urine test. I had to wee into a box with a plastic lining, and then transfer the pee into a tube using a pipette. I needed a wee, but would it come? Nope! I finally dribbled enough into the container. Once I took the container away, the wee flowed properly. Typical.

I guess the whole process took maybe half an hour.

I was still bleeding at the end, but it had reduced enough for a plaster to take.

I packed everything away in the special travel container, then sealed it all up – an offering to Venus of the Health Centre, hoping that she will look kindly on me.

On the way to pick up Ambrosius, I dropped the package in the postbox. I guess I’ll hear sometime next week.

I feel quite nervous!