I had a friend over last night.

Originally, he was going to come over and we’d watch Wicked together because he’s obsessed with the film. We watched a two other films instead.

He was wonderful with the dog – she calms down soon much better when she’s involved (by which I mean she is acknowledged, allowed to snuggle with us on the sofa). I calm down when I am acknowledged and given affection.

He also stayed over. We shared the bed, but not bodily fluids, but we cuddle and explore a little. I was super tired, but I also had a strange feeling…

…waking up I felt incredibly sad.

I missed my husband so much – and I’ve been missing him for years: we hadn’t slept together for a long time – this friend was the first person I’d spent the night with in my own bed since goodness knows when.

We cuddled a little again in the morning, before I went down to see to the dog. He came down shortly afterwards.

He is ADHD and chatters. I cannot deal with conversation in the morning. I think that I was polite, but out was exhausting – especially feeling emotional as I was.

I have also tended to keep my sexploits away from my friends, sharing with Ambrosius the other day was a first; Patricius had messaged me that he was getting worried because he’d not heard from me – so I messaged that I had somebody over and that I felt embarrassed by it.

“Gosh, why should you feel any embarrassment, bless you.” He wrote.

I responded “I’ll talk about it later. I’m a mixed up muddled up emotionally. A lot of baggage from the marriage. A lot of hurt and loss. I’m broken. But I’m trying to heal. I am grateful for my friends 🩷🩷🩷”

Bless him! He replied “Hey, your friends will always be here for you 😘🫂 xx”

Gratitude and love feel too similar for me to separate – from the context, I guess that I’m feeling gratitude.

I am crying and getting so very sad as I write about this. This sadness is grief, not regret.

I enjoy kink – but I also need intimate affection. I wanted to get that affection from my husband – that is what I needed him for.