It felt like there was a lot to talk about in counselling: it’s not everyday that your husband starts divorce proceedings.

That was emotional to talk about – both the recognition that my husband isn’t he kind of person to do such a thing and not tell me advance, but also recognising the need he feels that is taking him down that route.

After giving the update on the fortnight’s events, we moved to the table to begin the creative part of the session. He likes his coloured pens, shiny pebbles, and sea shells.

The aim was to start to identify the areas of the relationship that I would like to explore – the intention isn’t to stare at and relive the past, but instead to come to terms with what has been – both good and bad.

On a piece of paper, I listed some of the areas that I wanted to explore:

• Addiction
• Health
• Safety
• Sex
• Money
• Companionship
• Dreams
• History

Then I drew an outline that would represent the relationship and inside I populated it with the words that I’d decided needed deeper examination:

• House
• ID
• Interests
• Kink
• ASD (autism/neuro-divergence)

I put shells or pebbles of various sorts on the words to represent my feelings about them

Then I started to talk about the various words, starting with money. I described how we arranged our finances so that we wouldn’t need to talk about it – not that either of us could anyway! I talked about financial fragility that existed when I grew up. Then about how neither my husband nor I felt that we had any right to spend without “going to committee” about it. However, we were pretty fortunate that we never really got into financial difficulties.

Money then connected to safety – how, despite being able to create financial security, I hadn’t been able to live the emotional security that I needed … see Addiction (not mine his – or more specifically his mental health).

That impacted my own health. It is curious that I took a couple of weeks out after my husband left the home because I felt burnt out and tired beyond anything I had ever felt before … then I had a heart attack – like the next level of that cold you always get when you take a few days leave: as though your body says “you have time to pay back your deferral of your health needs now”.

I recognised the liberation of recognising my autistic traits, and the conflict that they brought into my marriage – Richard (the counsellor) suggested that perhaps my husband felt that if I was responsible for my actions even if my brain doesn’t work like other people’s, that I could hold him accountable for the things he did when he was ill. I don’t see it like that: I am quite capable of doing shitty things without using ASD as an excuse. It explains, but doesn’t excuse. However, I don’t hold him accountable for the things he did when he was ill. They are two completely different situations.

Where I began to get very emotional was when I moved to “history”. I had been afraid that if we were ever to separate that our history would mean nothing. I have learnt since that it will always mean something – I still want to put up photos around the home of places we have been and things we have done because they happened and they are important to me. Friends and family who are no longer with us, either through death or relationship breakups, were still important to us – especially those lost through death.

I could feel deep and powerful emotions stirring as I talked about our history – tears were there, but I wasn’t overwhelmed, just so very sad.

That led to talking about the house and how I had never felt free to express myself in how the home was presented – I couldn’t have pictures that I liked, or knickknacks that I loved out because my husband didn’t like them and didn’t like clutter.

“How does it feel to say that ‘you weren’t allowed’ these things?” Richard asked.

that made me pause and think.

“Controlled,” I said, “but I don’t know how.”

That led to talks about time I spent with others and the guilt I felt when I did. that my ability to stay in the moment with them was lessened because I began to twitch about needing to be home with my husband. What did he ever say that made me feel that way?

“Perhaps it was what he didn’t say,” was the suggestion.

He never said that it was OK. He never said that I shouldn’t rush home and that he’d sort himself out. He didn’t give me that warmth when I got home that told me that it was OK to send time with my mum or friends. Richard described this as “insecure attachment”.

I talked about my other friends, and how they were not jealous of each other and that I could relax with them. “Secure attachment – because the boundaries are known”.

I never knew how I could balance my social needs with the needs of my marriage. I couldn’t understand the boundaries – the rules – what was expected.

As we talked, I added to the drawing and made a list of words that I wanted to explore later:

• Stagnant
• Stuck
• Controlled
• Stress
• Guilt
• Threat

These words, and the other words that I wrote in the heart, will form the basis of the next session.

I felt – feel – very emotional after that session. I feel like crying.

Richard checked whether I was OK. I am – I don’t feel a need to curl into a ball – just a desire to cry.