Seventeen years ago today we had our civil partnership, which,  thanks to a trick in the legislation, has always been a marriage.

On that day we had all our friends and family there. It was the only time they all got together. Some have died. Others drifted away. A few ended in acrimony.

My husband and I planned everything together, we even made things like the “wedding favours”, place cards, and the cake! We were together on that day in a way that was rare for us.

This morning I gave him a card and some gifts. I still remember such a remarkable day. It is important to me.

Am I wrong to?

Wrong to care? Wrong to want to remember?

I am still not clear on whether we are over, together, or on some kind of break.

After lunch, he gave me a card and a gift – a canvas Star Wars poster. This is the first time (as far as I can remember) that he has given me something that is connected to my life-long love of Star Wars.

Why had he never done such a thing before? Is it because he knows that it’s not his house or home any more so that I am now permitted to have things that mean something to me? I appreciated that he gave me something that was reflective of me and my interests, but it feels like the gift is only possible now because we are separating. That is so sad that he never honoured that side of me when we were still together.

I guess it wasn’t wrong to exchange gifts – not if he’d decided to as well.

He was crying afterwards. This is rare: he is not a crier. I held him.

I didn’t cry, even though I’m much more likely to than he is normally.

My head is killing me again today. Blurry vision, whistling in my ears.

Stupid brain.