I’ve arranged a visit to the sexual health clinic. I don’t have anything yucky (as far as I know!), but if like to be able to play with others should the opportunity arise, so I need to make sure that I’m up to date with my shots and that I haven’t got anything lurking that has yet to raise its ugly head.

My husband doesn’t know yet – he’s in a fragile state and I do not want to add to it, and neither have I got the spare brain space to manage his emotions as well as my own.

I need this checkup whether we’re still a couple or not and whether we’re open all not. I really don’t want to be – what’s the eunuch equivalent to “blue balled”? – next time there’s some exciting play going on!

I was watching the clock, but in my usual brain-dead way I had a meeting starting at the same time that I needed to already have left. I hastily sent instructions to another member of the team asking them to cover (I’ve now realised that I asked the wrong person), and dashed off.

I’d left forty minutes to make a twenty minute journey. Google said twenty door to door, but I’d have to find somewhere to park, to find the right door to the health centre and the right reception desk. I also wanted to leave time to get lost: just as well as even with Mrs Google’s help I still managed a wrong turn.

I got there in good time, checked in (lovely lady at the desk), she started checking my social media.

I’m aware that my eyes are a little blurry when looking at my phone, which can be a sign of impending migraine, so I’ll need to watch that.

I was desperate for a poo and wee, so in the ten minutes before my appointment, I dropped the kids off at the pool.

That done, I only had a short wait before a lovely lady came and collected me. Once in her room, she asked me about myself, learning a bit of background, gathering a list of medications – these would be important later.

There were a few tests to be done: a bum test, a wee test, a throat test, and a few other tests. I told her that I’d try to wee, but I’d not long had a wee: that was a problem because the urine test is best done at least an hour after passing water. Bugger.

I said that I could go for a walk and drop it in after an hour. That was fine.

So I popped off to do the bum and throat tests. The throat test was like the old COVID test. Oh how I miss gagging as a tiny white stick tickles my tonsils.

The bum test was to pop a little stick up my poop-shoot, twiddle it round, and then pop the end of the stick into a vial. Twiddling cotton buds up one’s bum is uncomfortable.

I was a bit disoriented when I went to go back into the surgery – I guess I was more anxious than I realised.

Finding the room by the wrong door (“that was the staff entrance”), there were now two people in there.

The new person took my bloods. She was good – I didn’t even feel the scratch they promised!

One of the blood tests was the instant HIV test that would enable me to obtain PrEP straight away. The others will be sent off for hepatitis A and B and an assortment of other diseases.

The instant HIV test only covers my exposure more than three months ago. The other HIV test shows anything more recent up to one month ago. The instant one was negative.

She then went on to explain the two PrEP protocols:

• Either one tablet daily.
• Or two tablets a few hours before sex, then one a day for two days afterwards.

In either situation, a kidney test will be required every six months. An instant HIV test is required every three months. They only give three months worth of PrEP. I suppose that’s to force regular checkups.

The kidney test has to be done in person, however the instant HIV checks can be via the post. At this point I asked whether my GP would know of these tests; they would not. This is significant because I already have six-monthly blood tests for migraine medication and testosterone that also cover kidney function. I will let the doctor know that I shall be starting PrEP. If any of the tests flag up a problem, it will need to be looked at holistically, so it’s in my best interest to make sure that all my medical practitioners know of all my medications and tests.

The specialist then apologised for calling me a gentleman because I had non-binary on my notes. That was lovely that she was so considerate! Of course I didn’t mind, and I appreciated the thought in recognising it – I thanked her.

She also warned me about a few side effects that usually pass quite quickly: rashes, loose stools, and headaches. Great. I’m already prone to migraines. And loose stools is not what you want to hear as a bottom. Hopefully I either won’t get these or they’ll pass quickly.

She handed me three bottles of PrEPand I went for a wander into Bitterne for a drink and build up my pee reserves. You need at least an hour in order to make sure that the pipes have a bit of infection to flush, if there is any.

The consultant sent me a link to a guide on PrEP- here’s the link https://i-base.info/guides/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/PrEP-guide-UK-Feb-2024-FIN.pdf

After a coffee, I dropped the full vial of warm urine in at the reception desk and went back to make up the time.

As positive as the appointment was, I walked away with a new kind of weight: a secret I’m now carrying from my husband slash ex. And I don’t like that.