Having written about Pleasure Vs Happiness the other day, I now need to make a confession: I’ve been using food to manage my mood.

With my marriage being over (question mark: I still don’t know!), I am feeling anxious a lot of the time. Even more so than usual.

The weight gain started after my surgery during that time when I was without any major sex hormones in my body. My energy levels dropped, as did my metabolism. It was a small bit noticeable increase, hidden by my preference for loose-fitting clothes.

The weight didn’t really stop when I did onto external testosterone; initially, I was on a low dose, and my motivation to exercise just wasn’t there, besides –

You can’t out-train a bad diet.

I hoped that the spring and cycling to work and training for a half-marathon would help, however, I get a lot of food noise and it is worse when I am stressed.

I do struggle with differentiating between genuine hunger, boredom, and anxiety. I am also sensitive to how much being hungry can affect my mood and contribute to migraines, so I eat “just in case”.

I also regularly go to “Poundies” (a discount shop), where I’ll buy dog treats and bags of dates or, worse still, sweets.

I seem to put bad food in my own way. I might choose to eat a light salad or stir-fry for tea, but I’ll “need” something a few hours later.

Today, for example, I went out of my way lunchtime, to walk to the bakery (which is about fifteen minutes from the office). Why?! If I’ve realised that I’m getting a bit tubby would I do that?!

Just to nail the message to myself home, I had a delivery today off a kilt with rainbow pleats to wear to Pride. Now, if you’ve never worn a kilt – they are not garments that accept lies. They are tailored, precise, and completely unforgiving of any optimistic rounding down on waist measurements.

It seems that my daily treat has moved me from a 32″ waist to a 34″ waist. Getting into the kilt is like pouring a hippo into a bucket: there’s quite of it left over!