I always thought executive dysfunction was something other people had, but today I cried because I realised I’ve been compensating for executive dysfunction my entire life.

I have been blamed for not caring and being obsessed with routine.

I expected somebody with executive dysfunction would have difficulty holding down a job, or would be forgetting to pay bills, or living in a cloud of chaos all the time. They’d be people who couldn’t start even simple tasks, or couldn’t organise tasks into an actionable sequence. they’d be broke all the time.

That couldn’t be me.

I run a software development team. I pay my bills on time. I don’t have trouble managing money. I can even keep my head in a storm – just think of the emotional stress I have survived with my husband!

So, even if I am autistic, how can I have executive dysfunction?

The Pattern: How It Showed Up for Me

Digging into how executive dysfunction manifests for me – and how I hide it – threw up a few chunky tells:

• Phone calls are the WORST – I’ll put them off for hours, days, weeks sometimes.
• I can remember everything about Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, C#, Eunuchs but forget a whole conversation unless I write it down.
• Stopping hyperfocus feels like being yanked out of my own skin, a sort of “mental whiplash” that leaves me feeling disoriented and confused.
• Without my systems, I collapse. People say I’m organised. They don’t see the scaffolding. I even get asked to run specific difficult parts of the project because I am organised! 
• I freeze. I laugh at the wrong time. I look calm (or sometimes bemused), but inside? Chaos. 

The ASD Twist

I’ve been testing the “Am I autistic?” hypothesis for a while, this feels like another BIG piece of the puzzle of my brain slotting into place. 

Its important to note that executive dysfunction manifests differently in autistic people: 

• Not random forgetfulness – patterned gaps. 
• Not laziness – inertia from a brain that doesn’t switch easily. 
• Not chaos – compensated order, often mistaken for “high functioning.” 

The Emotional Fallout

When I first realised that I had executive dysfunction, I felt tearful. What was this feeling?

A sort of relief?

I’m not lazy or uncaring. Its not dementia.

I feel more than a little heartbroken that it has had such a profound affect on my marriage. My husband has had to deal so much with the difficulties it has caused – himself feeling unloved and uncared for. It wasn’t indifference (a hideous thing to feel for another human), it was simply a kind of cognitive lag.

It hurts to realise how some people assumed I didn’t care – especially when I was trying so hard.

Now That I Know 

What changes?

It makes sense now, and that makes it easier to be kind to myself.

I still want a formal diagnosis: I want to be able to wave a wee slip of paper at people and say “look! it wasn’t because I didn’t care!”.