I was talking with a friend about this episode. His view was that emotional questions like “do you still think of me sexually? ” should have an immediate answer irrespective of any neurodivergence and taking time out to think about it isn’t a good thing. he felt that me taking such a long time to consider the question was a problem and that I also felt unsafe going with my first, gut instinct was also a problem. His view is that we have an utterly broken marriage.

He has been through a painful breakup himself, so he isn’t without extensive experience of the issues that I am dealing with.

I am trying to work and I cannot focus due to the terrible feelings of regret that I have today.

Reflecting my friend’s thoughts does give me pause. I suppose there’s a neatness to his feedback that suggests that complicated feelings about intimacy, especially in a long-term, emotionally fraught relationship, should still be simple or immediate. Maybe that’s a neurotypical ability that I have no appreciation of.

I wonder: what even is “gut feeling” when you’re neurodivergent and overwhelmed? For many people, going with the gut is instinctual – but for others, especially if there’s been trauma, masking, or chronic confusion around emotions or boundaries, that gut sense can get murky. I know that I need time to process emotions, not because I’m avoiding truth, but because my brain needs space and calm to sort through what’s real.

Is it reasonable to expect an answer immediately? That assumes that attraction is either “on” or “off”, like a light switch, rather than being shaped by trust, safety, hurt, and the ebb and flow of connection. In a relationship where needs have sometimes been invisible or unmet, isn’t it reasonable to take time to untangle whether there is still sexual desire? Whether desire is even safe to feel?

A gut feeling might exist, buried somewhere, but if it feels dangerous to voice it, or if the consequences of voicing it might involve pain or conflict, then maybe it actually makes sense to approach the question with caution.

I was trying to honour both truth and care – for both of us.

Maybe I shouldn’t see that as cowardice, but actually as sensitivity.

One thing my friend is absolutely right about – and bless him, he’s offered me sanctuary – is that we need a break. Some time apart. A chance to breathe.

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I got home from work late, having started in the office to make initial enquiries for buying my husband out of the house (he’s still my husband – at least for now). That was emotionally draining.

I got home and he was in his dark place. Seems that the events of the last few days have triggered him. PTSD. The trigger is probably rejection, although I thought that no words of mine cos be taken that way, we have agreed to separate.

I am crushed.

I took the dog for a long walk to escape the name-calling. For now, it’s only “horrible man”, which is quite tame really compared with some of the other stuff he’s called me. I am not going to stick around the house for the inevitable escalation.

I am tired, but I’m going to need to sleep fully clothed and be prepared to escape. I might need to sleep in the car again.

This is going to be so difficult.