Today I got a message from my husband, which read something like:

“I was wondering if we could chat this evening – mainly about sleeping arrangements. I’ve wanted to sleep in your bed the past couple of nights but felt unsure, especially since you’ve said you’re not sure how much time you want to spend with me.”

I was delighted that he had requested a chat (honestly, that’s not me being sarcastic or ironic). I promised that we could talk tonight.

He’s done what I asked him to do: he told me that he wanted to talk about something, and he’s told me what he wants to talk about – making sure I’m in a good space to have the conversation is on me.

I had a couple of gummies and did a spot of meditation before tea, then walked the dog. I got myself a drink and sat on the floor in my spot waiting for him to finish watching EastEnders.

He wasn’t sure how to start, so I recapped his message, then he went on to explain that he’d wanted to come into our bedroom but had stopped himself. I’m not sure why really, because I see it as our room not my room. However, he sleeps most nights in his own room and I think that he feels that our room is actually my room.

He complained that I go to bed dead on ten to read for thirty minutes or so. He’s noticed that I sometimes go for a wee closer to eleven. Sometimes I read for longer. Sometimes I can’t settle properly until I’ve had another wee.

He used to complain that I’d go to bed dead on ten-thirty and that we were limited to a thirty minute show before bed. I think the problem there was that he felt that he had to come to bed the same time as me. To be sure, I used to believe that “the couple who sleep together stay together”, but I’ve grown up a bit and realised that’s nonsense. Yet, I was always upset when he didn’t sleep in our bed or he came up at a different time. I was a bit of a dick there! It was all about my insecurities.

He is upset by my routines. The routines have always been there in one shape or another. The big difference is that I own them now – I know what they mean and why they are important to me.

I tried to fix it by asking him what he wanted. He was getting the problem solving logical Jay. He was also getting a somewhat impatient Jay.

This he said was also controlling because he feels that he has to fit around my need for structure.

I get cross because he was complaining and not offering solutions.

At which point, he threatened to end the conversation.

I apologised – the way I expressed myself sounded irritated even to me.

I suggested that he come to bed thirty minutes after me and that I preferred weekends because I could relax more, this he said was also controlling.

I realised that he just wanted me to listen and didn’t want solutions. This is difficult for me: I don’t want him to be unhappy, so I try to work out ways that we can meet in the middle – for that to happen we need to know what we’re working with regarding what he needs.

Even now, I still don’t know what he wanted to happen.

The conversation only lasted an hour, for which I am grateful!

We sat and watched some rubbish on the telly. I thought that I my brain was dribbling out of my ears, but then I realised that I was smiling, so I guess I enjoyed it!

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Lying in bed I could hear the television downstairs. It wasn’t particularly loud, but it was keeping me awake.

Then I remembered: I always leave the door ajar so that my husband would not feel that I had shut it against him!

I felt annoyed with myself that I hadn’t remembered this important fact while we were talking.

It’s strange, isn’t it? The little things we do to say you’re welcome, even when we’re too tired to say it out loud.