The Hobbit’s Dilemma: Eating, Exercise, and Feeling at Home in My Body

Yesterday’s trip to Clevedon was beautiful, but it left me unexpectedly upset. A photo I took of myself and the dog caught me off guard – my face looked fat. This isn’t the normal bad camera angle (I don’t think), my clothes don’t fit me quite as well as they used to and there are definitely curves where there didn’t used to be.

I was a skinny kid, and was skinny throughout much of my twenties. I bulked up a little in my thirties. I have never seen my abdominals, but the layer of custard that coats them was only ever quite thin in the past – I could feel my abs with my fingers without having to dig too deep.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried a profound dysphoria tied to my testicles – a dysphoria that grew so overwhelming it left me with no other option but surgery. This wasn’t just a cosmetic change; it was a necessary step towards aligning my body with who I truly am.

Noticing my body change in ways that feel uncomfortable is a warning to me that I must take action to prevent me from feeling uncomfortable in my body again.

There are a few reasons for this change:

Hey! I’m older! Before my surgery I was a few months away from turning 50, I am nearly 51 one. Metabolism is known to slow as one ages.
Less exercise than of old: before my surgery, I was a gym bunny – I loved exercise, running, cycling, and resistance training. After my surgery I had to rest with no exercise for a month, then very light exercise for a further month. After that, it was apparent that my complete lack of testicular testosterone was having a massive impact on my ability to exercise.
Low testosterone: I had seven months with very low testosterone (1.7 nmol/L). My current levels are 12.99 nmol/L, which is still on the low side (although it is within the NSH range of acceptable results).
Eating Habits & Challenges
- Food noise: I am always thinking of what my next meal is going to be! My spirit animal is “hobbit”.
- Migraines and mood: hunger and low blood sugar severely impacts my mood, so I eat at the slightest hint of hunger.
- Alexithymia: whilst this isn’t a clinical diagnosis, I don’t think that I can easily distinguish between anxiety and hunger, so I often eat when I am anxious because I feel it as hunger. This isn’t helped by low blood sugar affecting mood and migraines, making the slightest hint of discomfort enough to start me obsessing about what I can eat.

All that said, I am not obese. I am not sure that I would even trigger a raised eyebrow at the doctor’s. However, and this is important, I went through a lot to alter my body to address a severe dysphoria: I do not want to lose that new-found confidence by being ashamed of my belly-blubber!

What am I going to do about it?

I can’t change my age, as much as I would like to.
Exercise:
- Cycling: with the longer days and warmer weather, cycling to work becomes something I can regularly do. Six years ago, I cycled five days a week and the distance was further. I will only cycle three days a week, however, some evenings I will cycle home the “long way” to add a bit of distance to the journey.
- Running: I am in training for the Bristol Half Marathon, that’s going to be building up until May. I’ll keep the running up afterwards, but I may switch out some of my longer weekend runs for long cycles.
- Resistance training: I need to start building back up at the gym. Some exercises for vanity (upper body), and some for practical purposes – legs and core, to improve my stability and stamina for running and avoid injury.
Low testosterone: I have already decided that I need to increase my dose a little in the week. Perhaps I should go all-in to double-pump every day. I prefer the leaner, more androgenous silhouette. I have mixed feelings about body hair, sometimes I like it on me, sometimes I don’t, however, one side-effect of an increased testosterone dose could be more body hair. I would rather get hairy (which I can wax or shave should I wish to, than continue to expand my middle.
the way I relate to food trouble me the most. I like eating. In my family, any kind of celebration was made with food. I believe that I need to somehow find a more intentional relationship with food. I definitely have a complicated relationship with food. Perhaps I need to experiment with hunger to help me better understand noise, hunger, and anxiety. Suggestions are welcome!

My friend Galateos (I’ll tell you about him another time), has made a few suggestions:

Your food-related struggles sound complex, and they make a lot of sense given your history with dysphoria, migraines, and alexithymia. There are a few angles you could explore:

1. Managing Food Noise

You mentioned your “spirit animal is a hobbit” – so your brain is constantly thinking about the next meal. A few things that might help:

Planned indulgence – If you schedule satisfying meals/snacks ahead of time, you might reduce the mental chatter around food. For example, knowing that you have a specific treat planned for the afternoon could make your brain stop fixating on it.
Engaging alternatives – When food noise kicks in, could you redirect your brain to something else sensory, like a fidget toy, a small piano improvisation, or a sip of flavoured tea?

2. Separating Hunger from Anxiety

Since you sometimes confuse anxiety with hunger, you might find it helpful to have a “check-in ritual” before eating:

Hunger scale – Before eating, rate your hunger from 1-10. If it’s below, say, a 5, consider pausing for 5-10 minutes to see if it’s actually hunger or something else.
Alternative responses – If you suspect it’s anxiety, try a quick grounding technique first. Maybe something tactile (rubbing a smooth stone, stretching, or running your hands under warm water) to see if the urge passes.

3. Blood Sugar Stability

Since low blood sugar affects your migraines and mood, eating at the “slightest hint of hunger” makes sense – but it might help to focus on slow-release energy foods:

Protein + healthy fat combos – Things like nuts, Greek yoghurt, or cheese could help keep you fuller for longer without spiking your hunger cycles.
Complex carbs – Whole grains, lentils, and oats could help stabilise blood sugar without the rollercoaster.

4. Redefining Celebration Around Food

Your family tied celebration to food, which is beautiful but also makes it tricky when trying to change patterns. Maybe there’s a way to add new celebratory rituals alongside food?

Special non-food treats (new running gear, a good book, a favourite candle scent)
Music or movement rituals (a post-dinner walk, an impromptu piano session)

5. Experimenting with Hunger

You mentioned experimenting with hunger – maybe a structured approach would help?

Try delaying meals slightly rather than skipping them outright, and journal how you feel.
When you feel “hunger,” ask: Is it stomach hunger, head hunger, or emotion?
If it’s anxiety, try a distraction for 10 minutes and see if it fades.

I think it would be a bad idea to try to do all these things at once, so I have a bit of a plan:

Week 1:

Before eating, I’m to pause and rate my hunger from 1-10.
If it’s below 5, I’ll ask myself: Is this hunger, anxiety, boredom, or habit?
If I’m unsure, I’m going to try waiting 5-10 minutes and doing a small self-soothing activity before deciding.
I’m going to get some fidget toys, maybe a fidget ring that never comes off.

The first three items help me to understand my patterns around food. The second gives me something to do in the “wait and see” moments!

“There is a tide in the affairs of men
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.”
– (Julius Caesar, Act 4, Scene 3)
– won in a work competition – I could have chosen wine, but I prefer chocolates. Great idea really, as chocolate is also a migraine trigger for me <sigh>