Whilst reading “The Myth of Normal” (Gabor Maté), was the realisation that for most of my life I have prioritised attachment (relationships) over authenticity (being true to myself). I wasn’t even aware of it until very, very recently. The price of that conflict and inability to resolve the two has come home to roost in the challenges in my marriage caused by finally putting my authenticity first.
I’ve decided to have a good old think about it in this blog post!
A recurring theme – maybe the core theme – in every talk or workshop I give is the inescapable tension, and for most of us the eventual clash, between two essential needs: attachment and authenticity.
The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté, Penguin 2022, page 105
Originally, I’d expected the book to be about neuro-divergence, given that was the theme I was exploring at the time and the title seemed to suggest some connection to that. I was quite mistaken, and so I wasn’t expecting anything that I could relate so directly to my life, then I suddenly ran into the sentence above!
It perfectly describes my relationship with my husband.
My priority has always been attachment – looking after the relationships that I already had felt that I could trust, often at the expense of my husband. I hid my true self away from everybody I loved and I hid it from me because I was afraid that nobody would like me if they knew who I really was. Hiding it from me kept me from feeling the cognitive dissonance between the attachment-priority-persona and my suppressed authenticity.
My husband, on the other hand, has always prioritised the truth as he perceived it. He has always been true to his boundaries and his beliefs. It’s not that he’s been unafraid to be himself, it is that he would rather be true to himself. Heartbreakingly, being authentic has cost him all of his dearest relationships. He values quality of attachment; meaning that the relationship should be authentic.
Suddenly – in the autumn of 2023 – my walls came crashing down and I could no longer be inauthentic.
This sudden switch in who I was to the world, blew my husband’s world apart. He thought he knew me, then he found out that … well, that it wasn’t entirely true. Hell, let’s say it: my life had been a lie.
This year after that has been about me coming to terms with myself and finding out who I am, and that path of self-discovery continues. For a horribly long time, I couldn’t tell my husband anything more than “I don’t know” regarding us and our future. He has always suffered terribly with anxiety – this latest crisis nearly saw him off.
Maybe things are beginning to calm down now.
This same crisis between attachment and authenticity torments almost every LGBTQ+ person as they tear themselves apart from fear of losing their friends and family when they finally come out.
It takes work and courage to be authentic.
It takes work and courage to form authentic attachments.
My discovery is that authentic attachments are worth it.
This difficulty isn’t uniquely mine, I would say that most LGBTQ+ people struggle with this choice: if they are authentic, many run the very real risk of losing at least some of their family and friends – and possibly all of them:
It is sobering to realise that many of the personality traits were have come to believe are us, and perhaps even take pride in, actually bear the scars of where we lost connection with ourselves
The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté, Penguin 2022, page 109
Coming out was a massive thing when I came out in the mid 1990s; it is still a big thing and takes courage. Fortunately, schools are much better at teaching acceptance and inclusion than they ever were when I was young. However, schools cannot completely correct problems in a child’s upbringing that cause prejudice and fear.
That means that even today, coming out as gay, bi, trans, or anything else that’s not “straight” remains an act of courage to be one’s authentic self. If somebody in the LGBTQ+ community comes out to you, this a huge statement of trust and an endorsement that they feel safe with you (probably).
The current persecution of our trans brothers and sisters means that they have an even steeper demand on their courage to be their true selves. If a trans person comes out to you – this is a huge mark of trust – especially in today’s society.
there is no culpability where there is no choice
The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté, Penguin 2022, page 112
If somebody you know comes out after years, or decades, of living in the closet and hiding their inner self from the world please do not be angry with them! Coming out is a long process and I hope that you understand the fear and risks involved in being authentic.
Please celebrate that they are at last strong enough to tell the world who they are and hold their hand while they do it.
Eunuchorn 
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