Yesterday was an all day meeting in the office, followed by food at the local restaurant. The day wasn’t too bad because it was chaired and the flow of conversation was more easily understood. This was much nicer than an online meeting.

Today, after an initial “this is what today is going to be”, we split into three groups – all in the same room – and each group only a meter or two from the other.

The noise was unbearable. I could hear what everybody was saying, but I couldn’t follow what the person say next to me was saying directly to me. It was physically painful and I felt a little like crying with the stress, pain, and sheer difficulty of the situation.

By lunchtime I was shattered and a migraine was threatening.

I needed some alone time, but the walk to lunch grew from just me, to me and one other, then me and half a dozen others. At least it was outside and my brain got a bit of a break from the noise.

I don’t remember the last time that I was in such a situation where so many people were all talking in such close proximity; it’s not even like that in a café or pub – although background noise can be very troublesome in those places and I have always struggled to distinguish between foreground conversation and background noise. Background conversation is the worst as my stupid brain tries to follow all the talking within earshot, however even birdsong can be distracting (I love birdsong). Television or radio, whether talking or music, is fatal for my ability to comprehend what I am supposed to be focusing on.

Previous times I have been in breakout groups, we went to different rooms, so there really wasn’t a problem.

Maybe I’m more aware of the issue than I have with background conversations.

I believe that the mental circuits that deal with these situations are burnt out and no longer function.

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Thinking about it, before I learnt about what autism actually is and how neuro-divergence could manifest itself, I would have struggled through thinking that everybody felt the same as me. I would end the day wiped out and irritable and be in complete denial of what it has cost me to endure it.

Today, I acknowledge my difficulties, and whilst I didn’t feel able to voice them at the time, I know that I can take a few steps towards self-care at home to help me recover.

Awareness of oneself is power over oneself.