During our last couples counselling, Roxy (our counsellor) suggested that we didn’t have any deep conversations until we saw her next. My husband was quite pissed off by that, saying that he didn’t like somebody else telling him when he could or should speak. I was anxious because I recognise the necessity of talking about our problems, and I could see that hubby was troubled by it. I was also looking forward to a calmer week.

She did ask us both to think about what we wanted from the other.

It’s Saturday; I have left husband at home because the atmosphere is unbearable. We are both finding sleep difficult. The silence is certainly not “companionable”, as my nan would have said, instead feeling full of angst and awkwardness.

My anxiety is through the roof at present, especially when I am at home.

Thinking 💭…

So! To the task at hand: what do I want from my husband?

Peace! Safety! To be!

Instead I have conflict, anxiety, and a sense that I cannot just “be”.

He says that I just want to do what I want when I want. There is some truth to that, but it’s more the case that I want to do what I want at scheduled times so that I’m doing it all the time and leaving no room for him. He hates routines.

Sharing 🧑‍🤝‍🧑

I want to be able to share the things I am interested in without having a sense that he is annoyed that I have spent time on them or that he is disinterested. I suppose, if he’s not interested in something, that is just how he feels – you can’t force interest.

Being annoyed though, is that how he feels, or is that what I imagine that he feels? Statements like “why are all your interests things you do on your own?” and “where is the time for me?” make me feel like I should apologise for enjoying things without him.

It’s similar when I talk to him about friends; I have a sense that he is irritated by what I’m saying somehow. I perceive it as jealousy. I don’t know if that’s accurate. What was he jealous of (if he was)? That when I spend time with friends that it is easy and conversation flows?

I want my husband to be someone I can share things with and feel safe doing so. That he is interested and not irritated or annoyed with me about it.

Exploring ✈️

I enjoy sharing time with my husband, exploring new places. He is less intolerant now when somewhere we explore isn’t as interesting as we’d hoped (he used to get very grumpy). When I go somewhere on my own and it is interesting, I wish that he was there – nobody else, just him.

We have had such amazing holidays together; both here and abroad. He introduced me to adventure holidays, and now no other type of holiday is nearly as interesting and exciting! To think I resisted them for years because I was afraid!

Random observation: on adventure holidays, there is usually at least one person towards whom my husband takes a dislike. The last one we went on that person was me. It was my own fault: I was so hyper and gabbled so much that he could barely draw breath, let alone get a word in! He was so unhappy, that he was considering returning early.

Sex! 🍆

I enjoy and very much miss sex with my husband. He is exceptionally good at it and is a most generous and considerate lover.

While we were living apart, he would send me saucy texts. I enjoyed them, but not being on hormones I had close to zero libido and wasn’t particularly turned in by them. I never sent him any. Why is that?

Sex came to seem very serious between us. I have felt criticised by him (whether that was his intention is a matter of debate), which left me feeling that I needed to be absolutely certain that I was in the right headspace before starting anything. Somehow, given that the need for the right headspace felt so important, don’t anything as frivolous as sexting felt out of order.

Besides, I have to admit, that I was a bit of a prude and I felt very uncomfortable with my body. Neither of those things are true now.
I just don’t feel that kind of playful connection to my husband at the moment.

Kink ⛓️

I separate this from sex because it crosses the boundaries between sex, play, and self-exploration.

The needs here are more difficult to pin down since that part of my psyche remains largely unexplored. Early attempts to explore it with my husband failed because I didn’t communicate what it was that I wanted and instead asked him to do things, some of which he found distasteful and others he found boring. He has accused me of sexual coersion about my manipulation of things to try to have my kinky needs met.

That’s a strong charge and I’m not sure that it’s entirely fair, given that “no” was a perfectly reasonable thing to say – there was nothing I could have done had he said “no”: at that time we were monogamous and I would not have gone behind his back to commit a physical act with another man – although I did talk to other men about my desire for castration and the dark kinks that accompanied it.

Play ♟️

From time to time, we have gone through periods where we played games. Cards, Scrabble, SingStar, or Pictionary were all things we played together or with others.

I just prefer playing to watching TV.

TV feels so passive and I get bored – even with things I enjoy.

I have suggested that we go to a cafe where they play games, but he’s not interested in that.

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There’s a lot here to think about.