I love being a guncle!

I spent the day with my brother and little nephews, primarily clearing out our dad’s garage so that there would be nothing in the way of him getting himself a mobility scooter.

The rest of the day was in the company of those two gorgeous nephews of mine – I love being a gay uncle – and the excitement as they welcomed me with “Uncle James! Uncle James!” is beyond treasure.

Feeling hopeless

When I got home, I could see that my husband was unhappy. He’d said that he felt “quiet” yesterday. I asked him if he wanted to talk about how he felt tonight.

He’s feeling hopeless about us.

He is frustrated that we are only making bite-size progress because I’m only able to take things on-board in small chunks. That is true, but I am able to take things on-board.

We talked a bit about why I’ve not been able to trust him in the past. I explained further the reasons – I was afraid that I’d I ever lost my job or became ill that I could not rely on him – actually, I was afraid that if I became ill and he had one of his episodes that I would be trapped and subject to abuse that I could not escape.

“It always comes back to my mental health,” he said. I am not sure whether I sensed anger or sadness in that statement, but there is truth in what he said.

I absolutely recognise that I had a part in making his mental health worse.

He said “one day I’ll give you some real reasons, not just hypothetical reasons, why I don’t trust you!”

He then said that he was tired. He wants to stop counselling because he doesn’t think that it’s worth it.

I think that he was saying that we are over. I am not absolutely sure. My brain was getting glue-like; it felt like it had been an exhausting weekend.

Consulting an oracle

The conversation with my husband left me feeling unsettled, and I wanted to ponder the question: is my marriage really over?

I don’t believe that cards, or stones, tea leaves, or anything else can reveal the future, but I do be believe that they can give insight into our state of mind.

I cleared my mind, then focused on the question, and turned to the tarot for insight. The cards I drew were:

• Past – The World
• Present – Seven of Wands
• Future – Ace of Wands
• Assistance – Death
• Resistance – Nine of Swords

The World suggests that a cycle in my relationship has already completed. Maybe it was a moment of understanding, or maybe something ended a while ago, and I haven’t fully acknowledged it. Right now, the Seven of Wands shows that I’m in a constant battle – defending myself, holding my ground, but feeling exhausted – that is so very true! And yet, in the future, the Ace of Wands hints at something new on the horizon. A fresh spark, a different energy – though whether it’s within this relationship or beyond it, I don’t know.

Then there’s Death, sitting in the position of assistance – that feels like a strange place for that card to occupy. Burger, it’s a clear message: something has to end. It doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage itself, but the way things have been cannot continue. Transformation is necessary. But the Nine of Swords warns me against letting fear and anxiety take over, clouding my ability to see things clearly. I have too often allowed fear and anxiety to imprison me and then I have allowed those feelings to imprison my husband also.

So, is my marriage over? The cards don’t give a simple answer. They tell me that holding onto the past isn’t working, that something must change, and that a new beginning is ahead. But what that beginning looks like – whether a different dynamic within this relationship or a step away from it – is something I still need to understand.

The cards seem to reflect my state of mind – they were always going to because its my state of mind that interprets the cards. The hopelessness that I feel at this moment feeds my current confusion and fear over what the future holds for us.

For now, I sit with this truth: the way things are is not sustainable. I can’t make decisions from a place of fear, but I also can’t ignore the need for change. That’s where I am – on the edge of something, not yet knowing which way I will go.