I’d had a migraine all day yesterday, which not only made my head hurt, but had already made my brain like glue. Two Sumatriptans and some hypnosis in a dark room helped, but left me fatigued.

I’d promised the husband that we would talk about “balance” on Monday, so after tea and walking the dog, that is what we did.

Bless him! He apologised for calling me a cretin and a creep on Friday. I appreciate that so much. He is quite special in that when he sees that he’s said or done something wrong, he will apologise – that’s better than I do: I am afraid to apologise because it feels like it undoes everything. I don’t feel that his apology undoes the other things he said (or shouted) though.

When I originally wrote about balance, I felt that I wasn’t that opinionated, however, talking it through with hubby showed that I can come across as very opinionated. I guess that’s part of  Rigid Thinking and is something I need to work on – rigid thinking doesn’t really help me and is likely to alienate people.

He said again that he didn’t like me reading to him from my blog because he feels that it’s impersonal as it’s not written to him. I don’t know what to do with that, because I’m not going to stop blogging and I need to have a space to think and reflect – and blogging creates a routine that keeps me doing that. I also think that it keeps me honest.

It’s interesting to note that my husband needs his own space too. He likes it when I go to work (rather than work from home), but he also likes me going out sometimes on the weekend. I really haven’t been very good at giving him his space, just as I’ve been very bad at asking for my own space in the past.

He said that “all he wants” is for me to put the same effort into him and our relationship as I put into other things and people. That is kind of the point of the discussion about balance: what the hell does that actually look like?

The conversation steered towards my historic secrecy and sharing intimate details with others when I was first trying to understand my body and gender issues. I think I can acknowledge his feelings, but I cannot think of how things could have evolved differently given my state of mind at the time.

However, a thing that is still an issue between us is the idea that our bodies are our own. He waxed his chest until no more hair grew there and my objections were ignored. Not that I should have objected anyway, but there you go. That’s a silly comparison, perhaps, but castration isn’t any different really in many respects.

The idea of our bodies being ours to do with as we please extend into sex, which then links to the next thing he brought up:

I used to think that, in order for our relationship to survive, we had to do everything together and spend no time apart. That created a very claustrophobic environment for both of us – and was ultimately dishonest of me because I don’t actually believe in monogamy as an assumed relationship arrangement – unless it has been discussed and agreed. In the same token, I find that I don’t believe in open relationships without discussing and agreeing the arrangement either!

It was no different from forcing a religion one doesn’t actually believe in onto another person. I really was a hypocrite.

The best thing I think I can do to make amends here is to continue being honest.