Struggling with Balance in My Relationship

Balance is something I have always struggled with, especially in my marriage. I find it difficult to manage my own needs alongside my husband’s needs and expectations, and it often feels like I’m either doing too much of what I want or none at all out of fear of overstepping.

This post is an attempt to understand why balance is so elusive for me and what I might be able to do about it.

What Does Balance Mean?

For a long time, I didn’t really question what balance actually meant in the context of my relationship. Does it mean spending equal time on my needs and his? Does it mean making sure we both feel fulfilled? The latter feels closer to a definition.

When I floated the idea of “intentional time” – where we consciously focus on spending quality time together – it seemed like a step in the right direction for me, however he resisted the idea and I don’t know if he really understand it. Perhaps I’m need to work on conveying the meaning more.

My husband enjoys watching TV together, which I think, to him, is one of the ways that he feels that we have quality time together. I think that talking about us is the top of his list of what constitutes quality time together.

For me, TV is often boring, and I end up sitting there feeling restless – I get tempted to mess around on my phone, so I’ve taken to leaving it on charge in the bedroom rather than have it with me because it annoys him when I play on it.

I’d rather engage in activities – going to a quiz night, bouldering, going for a walk, wandering around a market or shops, or playing a game. Many of these things still allow for discussion but in a way that feels more natural rather than staged or confrontational. But because we have different ideas of what “quality time” looks like, it feels like we’re at an impasse.

Anxiety and Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a huge source of stress for me. It might not always be visible, but it manifests in irritability and tension. I need some level of predictability, whereas my husband feels that he prefers time to be much more fluid and spontaneous. He dislikes structure and rules, and any attempt I make to create a framework for us tends to result in pushback. He sees structure as restrictive, while I see it as a way to feel secure. These are both valid ways to feel about things.

That said, he never likes it when I spring suggestions for activities on him; he likes me to suggest something the day before and leave it open to him whether he comes along and joins in or not.

My inner dialogue is exhausting when things are uncertain. I try to anticipate what might be acceptable or not, worry about whether I’m doing “enough,” and feel paralysed by the fear of making the wrong choice. Ironically, this often damages the relationship anyway – rather than allowing things to flow naturally, I overthink and become more withdrawn.

Struggles with Discussion and Disagreement

Another challenge I face is engaging in discussions – especially those that involve disagreement. My husband enjoys a good debate and is naturally expressive in his opinions. On the other hand, I find disagreement uncomfortable and often struggle to process things quickly enough in the moment. Even casual discussions about a TV show or documentary can feel emotionally charged, and I often end up going quiet because I don’t know how to disagree without it feeling like conflict or being perceived that I’m just being difficult or needing to enforce agreement (I don’t require agreement, but I am aware that it can sound like I do).

I also worry intensely about saying the “wrong” thing. There’s always a fear that I’ll phrase something in a way that’s misinterpreted, leading to tension. Because of this, I tend to either stay silent or become defensive, neither of which lead to constructive conversations.

I’ve realised that I need to reframe how I see disagreement. Instead of viewing it as a confrontation, I need to see it as an exchange of ideas. Perhaps using phrases like “That’s interesting – I see it a bit differently. Can I share my thoughts?” might make it easier for me to engage without feeling attacked or pressured.

I bet he’d see that as robotic as well <sigh>.

Resentment and Personal Space

When I don’t create time for my own interests, my anxiety builds. I start to feel resentful, which can come out in snappiness or withdrawal. In contrast, when I do prioritise myself, I feel more relaxed and emotionally stable. The problem is that, in the past, I have often hesitate to assert this need, worried about seeming selfish or disengaged.

When I do attempt to satisfy this need, I feel that my husband disapproves or is unhappy. He has told me that he’s neither of these things, but the feeling persists.

This is compounded by past comments from my husband that have stuck with me. For example, he once said that it was “rude to read a book when someone else is present.” I internalised that to the point where, for years, I only read on the toilet. Another comment – “Why are all your interests things you can do on your own?” – killed my enjoyment of drawing. I have never felt like resuming it.

I’m working on checking in with myself when I take things literally. It’s on me to clarify what was meant rather than assuming something is a hard rule that must be followed forever.

Negotiating Boundaries

This is the trickiest part. How do we create a framework that works for both of us when my husband resists structure entirely? He dislikes rules, sees them as limiting, and doesn’t feel the same need for predictability that I do. When I try to introduce even small structures, they often get rejected because they feel restrictive to him.

The other side of balance in this area is for husband to feel that he has the freedom of expression that he needs. It’s something, in fairness, that I feel that I must try to accommodate – but I fear shutdowns or meltdowns if I am not prepared first.

Perhaps part of the solution is in how I frame things, although I don’t believe that using other words to describe structure like rhythms will help.

Maybe, instead of “I need to know what’s happening,” I could say, “It helps me feel more relaxed if I have an idea of what the evening might look like.” That way, I’m expressing my need for predictability without making it sound like an imposed rule.

The other side of balance is listening to and accommodating my husband’s needs. They are every bit as valid as mine. He struggles with his mental health, for longer and with much greater severity than I have.

Final Thoughts

Finding balance in my relationship is difficult because we have fundamentally different ways of navigating the world. In style ears, he is more comfortable with spontaneity in some areas of life (such as conversations), whereas I need some level of predictability to feel safe. He enjoys open-ended discussions, while I find them overwhelming. He sees structure as a constraint, while I see it as a support system.

But despite these differences, I must believe there’s a way forward. If we can talk openly about what “quality time” means to each of us, if I can learn to voice disagreements in a way that feels safe and hear disagreement without feeling attacked, and if we can find middle ground between structure and spontaneity, then maybe we can find the balance that has always eluded us.