As agreed with my husband earlier in the week, I opened a conversation with him last night. I asked whether there was anything he wanted to talk about, and there wasn’t. I therefore decided to talk a little about the identity work I’d been doing.

Demihemisemiguy

I asked whether he remembered me using the term semi-masc. He didn’t.

I said that is used it sometimes to add further clarity on my non-binary gender identity (ie on the masculine side of neutral).

Then I talked a little about demiboy and demiguy; he had heard of them.

He seemed only slightly interested, but not enthralled with what I was saying: he doesn’t set a lot in store with labels himself. It’s not as though I’m going to meet somebody and say “hello, my name is Jay and I’m a demiguy”. They’d probably just go “huh?” and give me a funny look and wonder what the hell I was on about.

However, understanding myself and how I relate to the world is important to me.

His identity

This has been a problem for him ever since I came out as non-binary.

He identifies as a gay man, but what does gay mean when you’re on a relationship with somebody who is non-binary and doesn’t identify as fully male?

He feels as though it’s undermined his identity.

Assumed attractions

I’d always seen my husband as quite masculine. He’s assertive (which I did recognise takes effort). He was always stocky and hairy. Sadly, he’s waxed his chest hair into oblivion and has lost a lot of weight.

I still think of him as masculine.

He said that I was attracted to an idea of him. There is something to that – and I know that I got upset when he tried to move away from that idea that I had of him.

It has left him wondering how well he matches my ideal.

Thinking about it, I don’t know that it matters anymore: he likes twinks – and I’m am thirty years past twink-dom! I’ve had to accept that I’m just not his type and haven’t been for a very long time.

Intercepting irritation

The conversation changed, as it will do organically, towards other topics. Somehow we ended up talking about demand avoidance, which is a problem I have that means that when I’m asked something or challenged I initially feel angry and want to push back.

I said that if I am aware enough, then I have options on how I handle it.

“You always have options,” he said.

I explained that if I see it coming, then I can say “I’m feeling some resistance and need some time to get past it before I can process what you’re saying,” meaning that I just need to sit with the feeling until it passes or I can understand it.

Of course, even when my initial kick back response does happen, then at the earliest opportunity I can apologise and move on.

Saying sorry isn’t weakness

I always struggled saying sorry, and I always felt very vulnerable when I did say sorry – I felt weak and exposed. Perhaps that’s just part of it.

Whilst I write here, I find myself wondering whether part of my problem with “sorry” isn’t the contrition and admitting that it was wrong, it was the inability to express how I was feeling that led to a particular action or statement. That’s something to think of.

I think we’re done for tonight

Said my husband.

So I summarised what we’d talked about…which started a while new conversation!

I’ll admit that I was a little peeved that my summary resulted in the talk rebooting!

I tried to arrange when or next conversation would be, but that started a whole new discussion about him needing to be able to talk when he has something to say and that it won’t always wait (“why should it?” he asked).

I said that he could ask to talk any time, however if he just threw things at me I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be in a good state. I corrected that “of course I can’t guarantee anything, but it’s going be more difficult to ensure that I’m in a receptive state.”

He picked up on “throw things at me” and it annoyed him. On reflection, I don’t know why.

Arranging the next time

There didn’t seem to be anything in particular that needed to be followed up on for me from our talk, so husband said that he’d like me to think about balance because I’d mentioned it in the past.

I was glad he’d thought of something, but balance is a difficult subject. I said that the earliest is be prepared to come back and talk about it would be Monday.

He really got quite annoyed at that. “Why Monday?”

I explained that I felt that it was a difficult subject because I’d never managed to get a sense of balance that he was happy with. I was also working and was away one day in-between now and then and I just wanted time to think and come back to it.

We really are done for tonight

The husband has agreed to think about how the changes in my identity impact him and his he perceives our relationship.

I am to think about balance.

I think, but I’m not certain, that we are next due to talk on Monday.

Why is it so bloody difficult?!

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Tut

While I was in the bedroom writing up my recollections from our talk, I heard husband come upstairs and go to the loo. Then I think that I heard him come just outside the bedroom. I felt like he was watching me. That could have been my head I guess, but I said “hi”.

He tutted and walked off.

You don’t need to be Deanna Troi to know that tutting is a sound somebody makes when they disapprove of somebody. Is it any wonder that I sometimes feel quite judged!

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Today

It felt like a bit of a rough night, and I didn’t wake up in a good space: I am feeling irritable already.

When my husband got up, I gave him a hug – to be honest, that felt difficult to do, but I always try to act “normally” (ie not in whatever nasty mood I am really in first thing).

I asked him how he slept. Not good. He’s carrying something from last night.

I said “perhaps we can talk about it tonight?”

He said “yes”.

I find that I want to scream and smash things. Like I am sat on an emotional volcano. I do not know how I can get myself into a receptive space before this evening.

I wanted to do some piano practice and read a book and relax.

I guess talking is best – but I feel sick with anxiety and anger.

I wish that I knew why.