We went for a coffee today, and I talked about the things that I’d recently realised that I needed to do in order to make sure that my husband felt heard and that I came back to him on the things that he talked to me about.

What did surprise me was what I thought I’d forgotten in our last visit to Costa I actually hadn’t forgotten! He hadn’t said anything that I needed to specifically remember! By which I mean there were no behaviours and no things I needed to think about. He just wanted to chat; it was important but I hadn’t forgotten it.

We talked about the four things that I decided I needed to do to:

• Always write it down afterwards.
• Check in with him on what he specifically wants me to consider.
• Recap with him what he’s said.
• Schedule the next conversation.

He was a little upset that it seemed unemotional – he felt that I was treating it like a counselling exercise or a professional meeting arrangement. He doesn’t like it when I process things logically.

My responses is “hey! if it works!”

Seriously, this is me taking responsibility for my side of things. He is already trying to adapt and accommodate what I have told him that I need him to do for me.

Another objection from him is that this list feels controlling. That is the aspect of today’s conversation that I need to take away and think about – what we didn’t do is arrange a time for this!

I have to do that soon as I get home.

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Afterwards, he told me about the meds review he had with the mental health team and the psychiatrist. My husband thought to ask what was meant by the possibility of a misdiagnosis that had been mentioned to him a few years ago.

At the time, the idea of a misdiagnosis and the effect that could have on his medication terrified him: any thing that would take away the things that enabled him to have some semblance of calm created a lot of anxiety for him.

It seems that even years ago that they thought he might be neurodivergent!

I said that if my husband thought that having ASD or being ADHD would explain a lot of things for him then in most likelihood it was true.

For me, this was exciting – it felt like a deep moment of self-discovery and realisation. But he didn’t feel the same way.

He didn’t like people assigning labels to themselves. He doesn’t stand too much in store by labels that might be applied to him – that’s hardly surprising, given that labels have often been used against him.

All in all it was a nice and relaxing coffee.