It’s four-thirty in the morning on Wednesday. I can’t sleep.

I realised that I’ve made the same mistakes twice in a row.

My husband spoke to me on Sunday in a coffee shop. He was calm and didn’t talk without pause. I didn’t feel overwhelm and was able to remain present. However, I didn’t write down what he said.

On Monday night, he spoke again. He was irritated that I didn’t remember what he’d said on Sunday, but was again calm and didn’t speak in an overwhelming way, although he did talk for a couple of hours (I have to admit that its quite possible that my [perception of time might be distorted here). However, again I did not write anything down.

I felt very low after he’d spoken to me, which kept me awake that night.

I remember thinking on both occasions that he’d not said anything new and I didn’t have any sense that there were any actionable points – nothing I needed to consider or come back to him on, which is why on both occasions I didn’t make notes afterwards.

Not making notes meant I have zero memory of the content of what he said.

Last night he was angry that I’d not come back to him on what he’d talked about, he was pissed that I had no memory of what he’d talked about.

“What’s changed?” he demanded, with an air of desperation, “you don’t come back to me on anything, you don’t remember anything I’ve said, and each conversation feels like we’re starting from scratch, and you don’t care about us!”

I said that what has changed is that the issues have been named, but I know that is only a start.

He wasn’t unfair in what he said last night though: I had no memory of the content of what he’d said on the previous occasions, I had simply filed it in my brain as “more of the same”.

Clearly I must journal whatever he says to me.

I think, at the end of the conversation, that I must also ask him what he wants me to consider and resume with him at another time. I could also arrange the next conversation with him – that way, I get the predictability that I need and he gets the responses he needs.

I’m not always clear when the conversation is over, so I might need some help with that.

Here’s my plan:

• Always write it down afterwards.
• Check in with him on what he specifically wants me to consider.
• Recap with him what he’s said.
• Schedule the next conversation.

I think these things work with my ASD and will help the communication problems in my marriage – and will make things a little better for my husband and me.