My friend, Tacitus, who is yep months older than me as a Eunuch asked me a number of questions to consider before I went forward with surgery (see Meditations).

Here’s what I thought then and what I think now. What I thought then is in italics.

How would I feel most comfortable in terms of my body outside of sexual scenarios?

Medical – it’ll be in my doctor’s notes anyway; I have a policy of complete honesty with my doctor and the medical profession about my plans to be castrated – it saves me having to remember what I’ve said and I think it is a small challenge I can give that says “look, I’m different and I need your help”

I always have been completely honest with my doctor – I figured that it was the only way to really get the help I needed. Sometimes it hasn’t always worked out exactly as it’s hoped, and there have been times when I thought my doctor was actively obstructing me. I think I was wrong: she just didn’t feel qualified to help, although she did get confused over which referral was rejected – which I think worked out to be a good thing!

I have been honest with every single professional I have encountered, and so far it has always worked out well.

Gym – I am getting more brazen about wearing my cock cage in the shower area of the gym; I don’t think that being castrated will be that much different – some folks will notice, no one will say anything. I suspect my feeling about that situation will depend how I am feeling about myself on that particular day, some days I will be very proud and enjoy my nakedness, other days (much like I am at the moment) I will furtively shuffle from the cubicle to the lockers hiding behind my towel. I would like to think that I will become a “proud gelding”.

I am pretty sure that nobody has actually noticed in there gym, which I suppose is kind of disappointing. I expect that it would have been different if I only had a small penis or had been nullified, but I’m not that badly endowed and my penis no longer shrinks when my testicles retract on account of not having testicles!

Beach – not necessarily naked, but my trunks will obviously not be containing very much. I think it will only be noticeable until I get in the water: once I’ve been in the sea, I don’t reckon that I would look much different to most other guys!

At a normal beach, a guys bits tend to shrink in the sea water anyway, so that wouldn’t make me noticeable.

At the nudist beach I think things were similar to the gym: nobody could really see to notice!

At home in the shower around my husband – I’ve highlighted this because it is a non-sexual situation and sometimes both he and I do not want to be seen naked by the other, either because we are feeling insecure or maybe we have had a row and being naked simply feels to exposing.

I kinda like sitting around naked now, or at least letting my bit hang loose and free. My husband has noticed that I’m more confident naked.

How (in terms of my body) would I feel most fulfilled in sexual scenarios?

Since coming out about my desire for castration my CNC fantasies have completely died – they don’t seem to do anything for me anymore and I believe that was because they all involved some kind of emasculation. I still fantasise about restraints and that kind of BDSM still excites me and forms part of my sexual fantasies. I like a small amount of pain; I prefer tickling though!

My Dark Fantasies have remained unnoticeable to me – they no longer trouble me and I don’t fear them coming back.

I still crave restraint and a bit of pain/pleasure play. That is as strong as ever. I still love the feel of rope binding me tight – apparently, this kind of sensory play is common in ASD identified individuals.

I would like to explore puppy/animal play – when I have experimented on my own, I found the experience liberating in being able to leave behind my human cares. This really needs a “handler” or “owner” to go deeper though.

I have bought a beautiful puppy hood and really do want to have more puppy play with somebody else, either another puppy or a handler.

Intimate sex – this is the sex that my husband likes. I like it too, but its not enough on its own. That is true with or without balls. However, in my fantasies about sex it is intimate sex that I dream about my partner actually enjoying my castrated state and giving it space to be appreciated during the act. I need to move beyond my husband “accepting” that I am castrated and moving towards “loving” that I am castrated.

My husband and I have had some kind of sex only a few times in the last year, he has, however, licked my new erogenous zone and it is electric! I absolutely recognise that this is something really very special because he just isn’t into castrated guys and he only did it because he found that I loved it.

I may have to accept that my husband may accept that I am castrated but may never love it.

This is exactly where I am now.

How do I feel about being part of a minority group?

When I first came out as gay back in 1994, Section 28 was still a thing and it was still possible to discriminate against homosexuality in the employment place, and the AIDS crisis was still very much a thing – everyone was traumatised by the “don’t die of ignorance” campaign – gay men, whether positive or negative, were tainted by this disease; whilst pride was a party, it had much more of a protest element to it. Coming out was a big risk (it still is now, but I would argue much less so). In my first job I sent an email around the office which effectively read “I’m gay. If you don’t like it tough!”. My family was accepting, even my dad whom I was most afraid to tell was very calm about it. I lost one friendship group when I came out.

I find, looking back on it, that I enjoyed being part of a minority group and miss that is is only a party now and has lost so much of its meaning. I am not afraid of being part of a minority group.

I love my little online community and wish there was a more offline version of it. I hope to have more Eunuch meetups and to make real human friends of some of these online friends.

I keep writing my blog for others on my position to read (and because it keeps me), I’ve also created a community wiki.

I intend to write to the NHS gender services about Eunuchs and our care needs, as well as people in parliament (although my marriage takes priority, which reduces the time available for these things).

I am enjoying being part of a minority community – even given the state of the world at the moment at the increased persecution that people of difference (especially trans people) are suffering.

How do I feel about becoming stigmatised?

Being voluntarily castrated will put me into a whole new category. When I first came out, I was afraid that dangerous people would know and would victimise me (it did happen a few times), but the tide of public acceptance was rising, and it got easier. I don’t expect any such change in tide regarding voluntary castration; any stigma that I acquire through this process is likely to remain with me for the rest of my life. I feel that the key to my survival and being able to flourish must be to embrace this new identity and thoroughly inhabit it, at least initially. Learnt to celebrate and enjoy the new existence – that is how I anticipate feeling when I achieve this. Part of me feels that I will have a duty to others like me to show that they are not alone and that there are others like them who share their physical stigma; I feel that a certain level of visibility will help reduce the stigma associated with castration.

I got my first tattoos when I was at Uni and back then tattoos were not something that “nice boys” have and occasionally drew stares and I felt judged. It didn’t usually bother me. On one occasion they actually caused a degree of discomfort; I was working for a vehicle leasing company, but it wasn’t until I started the job that I learnt that I was not permitted to have any ink visible at the office. Fridays were dress down days, and I would often wear a T shirt which would reveal some tattooed skin. Nobody ever said anything, but I felt self-conscious. I do not know how I would have felt or responded had anybody said anything. I have much more ink these days, and whilst tattoos don’t have the same stigma that they used to, I would ensure that my ink was on display during the interview – if nothing was said about it during the interview, then I would feel within my rights to ignore any bollocks company policy on visibility of tattooed skin. I would not want to give my services to any organisation that judged people based on any personal attribute – including piercings or tattoos.

I think I am not afraid of some level of stigma, and actually rather enjoy the distinction that it can bring.

I certainly embraced the Eunuch identity and made it central. Perhaps, over time, it might be allowed to be less central to who I am; for now, it is still new and exciting.

I am a little careful about who I share this with in real life. I still haven’t told my dad, I did try to talk about non-binary with him, but it’s too complicated for him to get his head around and probably not worth the trouble it could cause. I know that sounds awful.

I’ve told a couple of people at work, but there’s not much need to tell everybody and make a big announcement. However, I will tell people if I think that it would further understanding, or it somehow comes up in the normal course of conversation.

On Tuesday next week, which is the anniversary of my surgery, I’m getting a eunuchorn tattoo of my right forearm.

Where/how much/from whom do I seek validation from others?

I vary from being very self-reliant and self-contained to feeing very needy of external validation. In so many ways I am very self-motivating – running, learning the piano, etc I do not need external validation and my own internal dialogue is generally sufficient. Work I do need some reassurance to confirm that I am on the right line and that what I do is satisfactory. I do need some encouragement there. Within my relationship with my husband, I can also appear very self-contained; I rarely show vulnerability or neediness, however that is a lie: I do need reassurance and validation from him and in denying this need I have been denying hi many opportunities to feel loved and needed himself.

I think I was fortunate to have a very encouraging mother. I reckon that if you start life with at least one parent giving you positive strokes, you stand a decent chance of being able to give them to yourself when you need to.

I did, however, need good feedback at work. It’s not that enjoy praise (of course, it’s nice), but I like the reassurance that I’m useful and doing a good job.

My husband feels that I don’t need him in that way – I don’t need his encouragement or acceptance.

Of course I do!

But I also feel that he is confused or disapproving of some of the things I enjoy – like my eunuch community friends, this blog, the wiki, reading about ASD, writing so much, and so on. I think it’s because these are worlds that he has no access to, either from choice or lack of interest or ability.

That actually makes me feel a bit sad because I would love for him to be more involved and feel part of things.

I am also afraid that he just wouldn’t get it anyway, which would make me feel worse.

Do I value notoriety or acceptance?

I have never joined a march or a protest, although I have written extensively to my MP (that was a pointless exercise). I have regretted not marching on a couple of issues. Sometimes I use my public social media profiles to highlight various social issues, but I am not exceptional in that.
I feel that need some acceptance, but if I have that I can handle some notoriety as well.

I like a bit of both!

And that’s that!

Thank you Tacitus for being my friend and giving me so much to think about.