Thinking about couples counselling

I’ve been putting some thoughts into what I want to say to a counsellor before we start joint therapy; I’m going to talk them through with my own counsellor today.

• Processing time – I sometimes need extra time to process emotions and thoughts before I can respond. I may not always have an answer immediately.
• Communication style – I find it easier to express myself in writing and may need time to put my thoughts into words when speaking.
• Emotional overwhelm – I can become overwhelmed by strong emotions, which might cause me to shutdown. A structured, calm environment helps me stay engaged. In the past, my silence when I was overwhelmed was taken as lack of participation rather than what it was, I now know what this is.
• Trust in the process – I’ve had difficulty trusting counsellors in the past, but I want to be open to this process and find ways to make it work.
• Balanced participation – It’s important to me that I have space to articulate my thoughts and feelings during sessions.

Last time with the mental health nurse

It’s going to be an emotionally draining afternoon, and I will need to do some work this evening to make up the time.

First up is the mental health nurse. This is my last time with her, although I can ask for an appointment in the future (which I may do).

I told her about our plans for couples counselling and that I wanted to lay out my communication needs upfront. I fully expect my husband to sigh or roll his eyes very loudly when I do.

She thought that was a very good idea to think about what I wanted to say. She also gave me some pointers if things to look out for in a therapist considering my communication difficulties – namely that they hold the space for me to think and speak.

I asked her about my antidepressants. She’s not allowed to advise on medication, so advised me to have a medication review with the doctor.

She genuinely sounded interested to know how I get on, so I may book an appointment just to let her know!

Last time counselling

We talked a bit about my newly understood communication needs and how to express them to a therapist in a way that didn’t point fingers or cast blame. I made a few adjustments to my original ideas.

We then talked about how to frame my hopes for the actual therapy itself; Richard suggested a couple of things which I shall say:

I think that we need to both accept where we are now before we can change, and we need to change because neither of us are happy and fulfilled.

We need to agree the rules of engagement regarding conversation, and the rules of disengagement (how we defuse the situation).

Communication is the most difficult thing in our marriage, so I reckon that I need to highlight that as a problem to overcome.

However, the real issue is that neither of us are happy and we need to find a way that we can both be happy and fulfilled. Richard didn’t think I needed to say anything about whether that is together… or ultimately apart.

After we talked about what I should bring up with a future counsellor, he then suggested that I draw something to celebrate how far I’ve come. That was a lovely idea.

I’ve included the picture at the bottom and as the featured image for this post.

The first thing I drew was the Eunuch symbol in the middle. He’d not seen that before and didn’t realise there was such a thing.

I told him about the card my husband made for me to open sheet my surgery. I said that it will be a year in Tuesday.

“Will you celebrate?” he asked.

“I’m getting my eunuchorn tattoo, but nothing else – I don’t think hubby will want to celebrate.

Richard said to go out and celebrate, and take the card with me and be say to my husband  “you were with me when it happened, and you’re with me now: thank you.”

I think that’s what I will do.

The picture has lots of symbols. It was fun deciding what symbols to use; being a programmer and having a lexicon of icons to draw upon helped.

These are the symbols I drew:

• Puppy hood to recognise my kink identity.
• “ipso lorem” to represent my writing.
• The erect penis to represent my battle for hormones.
• The pink underwear for my gender identity.
• The earth because I like to feel grounded and to sit on the ground.
• The autism infinity symbol for my discovery of my neuro-divergent self.
• The headphones for my recognition of my sensory needs.
• The battery for my social and emotional energy.
• The calendar for my acceptance of my need for routine.
• The scissors and thread to symbolise new starts.
• The scales for balance.
• The funny symbol with arrows that’s a bit like a “not equal to” symbol, which actually represents boundaries.
• Musical notes for my piano and the peace it brings me.
• The book for the peace I find in reading.
• The clock symbolising the time limits that exist on my resources.
• The tick box represents recognition and being able to state my needs.
• Finally, the mirror represents introspection and reflection, which is something I do a lot now.

We both lay on the floor while he and I suggested things and I drew little symbols.

It was fun.

I felt very sad though.

I didn’t want the session to end.

I felt like crying.

But all good things and all that.

I plan to see him again a couple of months into couples counselling. He has also said that I can WhatsApp him if I want to, which was kind of him.

I felt a little bit lost as we left the building and he gave me a hug.

“You’ve got this,” he said.