We’d both been sleeping very badly, the husband because he was angry about something, me because I was anxious about whatever was making him angry – I had no idea what it was.

I knew that we had to talk, so I did my best to get into a receptive state, had a couple of gummies, sat on the floor and he began.

Daddy issues?

He was afraid and anxious because it seemed that when my mum died that I fell apart; that was when I lost control of my inner world, the secrets that I’d so carefully guarded began to escape, and finally the massive meltdown that exposed my Dark Fantasies and my desire for castration came out.

He’s afraid that when my dad dies, that there will be nothing stopping me from doing whatever I like because there will be no external force, no expectations, to keep me intact.

I have to acknowledge that his fear has grounding because I do believe that there is a relationship between my mum’s death and everything that has happened since. I do not believe that my dad has such a significance for me, neither do I think that there are any more secrets inside me … yet denial can hide the truth.

I need to find a form of words that is both true and reassuring for my husband.

More daddy issues?

He also said that when I’d called him out the other day for shouting that he thought that I was responding to him with my own anger at my dad’s anger with the child-me.

I do not think that this is true, but I have agreed to think on it – it would not be right to react to my husband’s anger with anger from myself that was to do with somebody else altogether.

As I write, I feel certain that shouting the other person down is wrong and it’s nothing to do with my history or my dad’s unpredictable anger when I was a child.

I know that from time to time that I have shouted at my husband – that was wrong – but he also called me out on it.

Comfort blanket?

The other day I washed and dried the duvet and put it straight back onto the bed. This was the same duvet that I’d bought for the bed in the flat and I really like it. It’s silver. All our other duvets are red or black – heavy, dark colours chosen by my husband.

He wondered why I’d put it straight back onto the bed; was it because it reminded me of the flat?

Well, yes, a bit. I was happy and safe there; the duvet does make me feel safe.

I also like that it’s a colour that I chose, and it’s light and bright. I might need to sleep in a sensory deprivation chamber, but it can still look welcoming when the light is on!

It seems that hubby feels that the joint bedroom is feeling a lot less joint. I am not sure whether he feels like it’s my bedroom, or he’s just feeling disconnected from it. I guess that’s something else for us to talk about.

Joint therapy

I said that I hadn’t made any enquiries about counselling yet since he was angry about something and I wanted to know what that was first. Now I know, I feel more comfortable making arrangements for an introductory appointment.

I asked whether he’d like to help me work on an introduction to send or read to them. I’d laid everything out in the introductory emails I’d sent to my current counsellor and the one before him – it seemed to get the process going from the start. I just chose to trust the counsellor.

Hubby was, well, he seemed angry at the suggestion. I was confused as to why and it didn’t make sense, but he was insistent that was what the assessment session was for.

Ok. Fine.

I’ll just email them and say that we’re looking for couples counselling and when could they fit us in?

I also mentioned that I wanted to see my current counsellor about a month into couples therapy. Again, that seemed to make him angry – “so you want to have your own therapy as well?” He demanded. “So you’re going to talk to your own counsellor about things that happen in our joint therapy?”

“I think that means you’re not ready for couples counselling then.” He said.

I explained wanted to check in with Richard (my own counsellor) to review how my communication was going and how I was coping.

Besides, we couldn’t afford to pay for two lots of therapy.

It wasn’t so bad though

Given how tired I was, I don’t think we did so badly. I have a few things to think about – how to reassure the husband that I’m not going to go into free fall when dad dies, and whether I don’t like being shouted at because of my dad.

I think I’ll sleep ok tonight.

Talking with my boss

During lunch with my boss today, amongst other things, I talked a little about the talk if had with my husband. My boss is also my friend.

As I was talking I realised that what I was asking for was for my husband to be assertive rather than aggressive.

However, I have identified that I struggle to differentiate anger and aggression. Maybe I also struggle to differentiate aggression and assertiveness?

Something else to think about!

I wonder if other people struggle to separate these three emotions.