Last night, the husband went up to bed early, so I sat and read for a couple of hours while listening to something peaceful. It was so relaxing.

This morning, he asked “could we talk later? if that was ok.”

Of course the answer has to be “yes”, because this was exactly what I’d asked him to do – give me some time to get my head sorted so that I could cope with a conversation.

To start with my head was in a tailspin – was this the end? Was he going to tell me it was over? The usual sort of catastrophising, which I expected.

I did the shopping, then I went to a place called Robins Nest, which sells antiques and tat and is generally very interesting and thought provoking, in a nostalgic sort of way. When I got home I read for another hour or so.

After lunch, I was ready.

I made us both coffee and then I sat on the rug. He commented that it seemed to be my safe space. I think he’s right.

Emotional energy

He was very quiet too begin with, so I started by talking about how emotions are energy, like sound or light waves and how too high a frequency or too high a volume could shatter my emotional stability and overwhelm me. He seemed to get what I was talking about and started taking about his own feelings – those if being adrift in other people’s oceans and tossed about by their waves. Or perhaps being in their boat and not really being wanted and fearing being thrown overboard if he rocked the boat. This is exactly what happened to him in real life – he’s not one to stay quiet if something has upset him, and his family punished him for it.

This metaphorical way of talking seemed to work for both of us in that we both understood the analogy and it was a gentle start to the discussion.

His family had thrown him overboard, but it’s been more insidious with my treatment of him, since I was never that direct.

He really wants to be in the safety of his own boat and in control of his own destiny.

This was kind of a safe way to open the conversation, not too intense, but laying out the framework for the rest of the discussion.

I went to the loo and made myself a fresh drink. Breaks are key to managing overwhelm.

What’s changed?

The conversation turned to what has changed in it relationship and in our communication. My husband doesn’t see that we’re in any different place than we’ve been before.

I see us as being in a radically different place.

I know better how my brain works, what are it’s strengths and it’s limitations. I don’t deflect when my brain isn’t working as he might expect, I know that I process emotions and thought differently, I know that I need breaks and notice of deep conversations. I know that I had a checklist of rules that I’d built up as to whether “now” was a good time to talk, although my husband also had to tick off the list and resented feeling that he was responsible for determining whether we could talk. Actually, I saw him as responsible for the wellbeing of our entire relationship, but I was irritated if he brought it up.

Now I ask him one thing: tell me when he’d like to talk, it is my job to do my best to ensure that I’m up to it.

Of course, I can’t 100% guarantee success, but it’s much more likely if I’ve time to get my head sorted first.

Not enough

We returned to the subject of him not feeling enough; he felt inadequate to my needs. He also felt that I’d never been there for him, that I’d never gone to him where he’s at. That made me feel so sad and put me in mind of the film “What Dreams May Come”, where Robin William’s character dies first and haunts his wife, then when she kills herself he goes to Hell to bring her back, but she won’t come and he says:

That’s when I realized I’m part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up, okay?

What Dreams May Come, 1998

He got the reference, although I don’t know if it helped any.

Unable to balance needs

He seems to feel that I should just intuitively know how to balance my special interests with the needs of the marriage.

I do not. So I ask what is needed? What is too much time on the things I enjoy?

I really do need to know because not knowing what the expectations are is very stressful and fills me with anxiety and madness it very difficult to relax.

Husband commented that I often said that I missed the flat. I know that I’ve said it a couple of times – nectar I miss the peace of the place and not having to work out whether I was spending too much time on something. When I was with my husband I was with him – intentionally together.

If I really wanted to be on my own, I know that I could say it and we would split. I don’t want us to split.

Why did I say that?

I am not sure how we got to this, but he seemed angry when I said that he’d made me feel inadequate; he called me a hypocrite because I’d made him feel that way too. I asked him why it was ok to invalidate my emotions.

I do not remember how this connected in the conversation now, which is annoying to me! Throughout our talk I periodically checked in and recapped what had been said. Partly for my own benefit so that I wouldn’t forget – it is troubling that there are chunks that I have now lost (more on that matter later).

He was beginning to get angry and shouting again. I called him out on it. His answer, which is always the same, was that when people are angry they get loud.

I asserted that I do not appreciate being shouted down.

It works both ways

He noted that I’d asked to be given notice of conversations and asked why I assumed that he was ok to have it “dropped on him”. Thinking about it now, the reason is that until I’d said, and supported it with a self -realisation of autism, he’d always been quite happy to drop conversations onto me! Besides, he always seemed to be fine dealing with things “in the moment”and one of his great complaints about my request for notice was that sometimes things just have to be dealt with in the hear and now.

I asked him whether he would like warning of a conversation, he thought about it and said “yes, because he just been reacting to what was said”.

So there you go. I shall now say to him “can we talk on x day please?” from now on!

Couples counselling

I brought up couples counselling again. He brought up my previous unhappiness with it: it was my responsibility to say that I wasn’t happy with the way the therapist was handling things. I should have said.

Now I am aware enough and gutsy enough to say when my needs aren’t being met.

I want us to look for a therapist together. He wants me to find one because he always pushed for therapy and found a counsellor in the past and has now learnt just how unhappy and disengaged I had been with them. I thought that he sounded irritable when he says that he wanted me “to do the work”.

I shall start looking tomorrow and invite him to get involved and see what happens.

The real question for both of us is “do we want to be together?”, he and I have been avoiding it. He’s been avoiding it until the repairs to the house are done because if we were to decide to separate before they are done, we’d be living in purgatory until they are done and the house can be sold.

There is a risk that we might decide to part ways, and I recall how he struggled in 2023 when I came out with needing to be castrated to release my non-binary identity, that he has nobody to support him through it because I did it outside of the couples counselling that he’d asked for.

Actually, I have said that I do want to be with him and that I’m writing towards is the how.

The edge of exhaustion

I had allowed the conversation to go on just a little longer than I was capable of sustaining and I could tell that the glue-brain was just beginning. Worse still, I was starting to forget things and starting to feel tired.

Fortunately, things did wrap up – despite him seeming to attempt a fresh start to the conversation!

I’ve come away for an hour to decompress and make sure his and reflect for a bit, just as I do after counselling.

I think that this talk was closer to a success than we’ve had for a while.