We were overdue a “conversation” thanks to my feeling ill this last week or so and not being up to stringing sentences together or understanding complex concepts like our relationship. I wanted to check in with my husband on what he felt about the note I wrote him about the things that I regret from the recent year and our whole life together.

I opened the conversation out of a sense of … I don’t know … duty perhaps? I still wasn’t in any great state for a deep conversation – in fact, I’d rather have gone for a nap!

He didn’t seem upset or moved by the note, which I suppose was fine: I’d already decided that he felt whatever he felt and I would just hold that feeling and respect it.

So that wasn’t where the conversation was going to go.

Instead, we circled back to the idea that I “fooled” him into believing certain things were true that were not so, such as that I believed in monogamy, that we had a claim on each others body and that as a result we couldn’t do with them what we liked.

It seems that he’s still not settled that we are staying in the house and we are going to give living together under new circumstances, where we enjoy more freedom to do the activities we enjoy (and need to do for our own wellbeing), yet come together intentionally for our couple times.

Things got a bit heated when talk turned to our different recollections of our sexual history together. He seems to feel that being a bottom is easy and stress free. It really isn’t, and way, way back I felt a huge amount of pressure to always be ready for it. He threatened to go find somebody else to satisfy him if I didn’t put out. Back then, I didn’t know that open relationships were a thing and therefore had no idea that (or how) they could work. I even thought that I’d see didn’t sleep together every night (as in go to sleep, not necessarily have nookie), that we wouldn’t last.

Actually, even if I’d known, I would have been in no state to conduct one because I just could not engage m in that kind of conversation.

It seems that, for him, the jury is very much still out. He has previously said that he doesn’t know if the house still works for us. I’m open to it – we haven’t much to lose by trying and a lot to lose by not trying.

He seems to have some irritation that my illness has made conversation difficult. I said that if was ill, I wouldn’t expect him to be in for a “conversation” like this (although he probably would be, and I would give him the choice). He got irritated by that, I don’t know why.

I know that we talked for nearly two hours, but I was so tired! I’m afraid some of it was lost amongst my stifled yawns.

He said that I’m probably feeling relieved because we’re not going to talk for another week, since there Christmas and that has to be perfect, to I’ve already decided what I want to do in the 27th and so on. I asked him what emotion was behind that – it felt a bit “ouch”, like some kind of dig and I wanted to check it out. Sure, he’s angry that I’m in control of conversations.

I’m not in control. At three different points in this conversation he said “I think we’re done for today” before launching in more.

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Late afternoon, we started decorating the tree. I had planned on a real tree this Christmas, but what with the flood and subsequent repairs, now isn’t the time. It’ll keep that plan for next year.

So our old plastic tree is up again … but this year – and for the first time in many years – we decorated it together!