Talking to Richard (my counsellor) about my husband wanting an acknowledgement that my castration, the dark fantasies, and self-discovery had deeply affected him and made him ill. I didn’t know what – or how – to apologise; Richard asked what I regretted – that gave me a good starting point.

I regret the time we’ve lost because I couldn’t face the truth about myself.

I regret not sharing my innermost self with him. We have lost so much quality, loving, and supportive time. He would have felt so much less lonely.

He shared his inner-self with me, and I regret not repaying and rewarding that intimacy.

I regret the way that it all came out. That my secrecy and shame had me manipulating him to fulfil some of the dark thoughts that arose from my shame. That it then came out in a tsunami of revelations and confusion.

I regret that it all happened so quickly. Not for myself, but because the speed of revelations and changes overwhelmed my husband. They made it impossible for us to discover this new me together.

I regret that my fear of rejection kept me imprisoned for so many years – the whole time that fear was unjustified, as my husband’s acceptance and frequent attempts to accommodate me and whatever I was saying or feeling demonstrated, even when it ran against his own nature. My fear of rejection effectively caused me to reject my husband.

I regret that my fear of being thought crazy and stopped caused me to always be on the defensive. That made my husband feel attacked when he questioned me or tried to discuss things.

I regret that I projected my inner shame onto him, using the tool that I’d learnt from my parents to attempt to control my husband’s behaviour.

I regret that this has driven my husband and me apart, I had hoped that it would draw us more together – the way I handled it prevented that and caused the divide.

I am sure that there will be other things that I regret, but I feel that this list makes a good start on recognising the difficult time that my husband has had of it, not just through the last year and a bit, but for much of our time together.