Recognising the impact

I started by checking out what my husband felt he needed in terms of acknowledgments and recognition of the difficulties he’s faced this last twelve months and more. That’s it really: recognition that it’s been hard for him too, without any explanations of what is been like for me – just seeing him and the pain and heartache that he’s felt.

Not much to ask I think.

Perhaps I’ll write him a card or a letter – I think that will be better than speaking it.

Not enough

I returned to the topic of “not enough”. I really didn’t feel that I understood it and I needed to check out where my literal interpretation was working against me. What assumptions was I making about the meaning? What mental leaps too far was I making?

There were two aspects to it:

1. Meeting him where he is

The first meaning is accepting my husband as he is and not trying to change him. This stems from my criticising his emotional reactions to the actions of others (and me); statements like:

• Why can’t you let it go?
• Why can’t you be more like me? (I actually said that!)
• Perhaps they said/did x because of y and it’s not anything about you.

Each of these statements invalidated his feelings, which made him feel rejected, alone, and as though I wasn’t really on his side.

What was needed was for me to accept that he felt whatever he did, which I could have done without feeding the feeling.

2. Sexual adequacy

The other key aspect was making him feel sexually inadequate. This started before I “came out” as being non-binary, wanting castration to express that, and being kinky as all fuck. It stemmed from asking him to act sexually in ways that just weren’t him without involving him in what the fantasy was that he was helping me act out.

Then there was all the open relationship stuff that I said that we should explore so that I could fulfill my darker kinks.

That was saying on every level that he just wasn’t enough sexually.

I said that I accepted that he was a one-man-guy and that I had to work within that if we were to stay together.

Others were enough

My husband said that I seemed to have no difficulty accepting others as being enough within whatever role they were in, eg I don’t have the kind of relationship that is really like with my dad, yet I keep working to maintain that relationship without attempting to change him.

My other relationships are “easy” in as much that they are unchallenging.

Brain full

I felt that I’d learnt all that I could contain and that it had been a useful conversation.

I said as much.

“But I haven’t said very much.” said the husband.

I felt really irritable. Was I trying to control the conversation, I wondered? Well, yes, but I was trying to get the best outcome so that I could take it away and think about it. The risk being, that a) I’d start forgetting stuff (I don’t know if I’ve forgotten anything) and b) that I’d not be able to get to sleep afterwards.

Not talking about sex

The second half of the conversation I struggle to reconstruct because I really was done for the night.

Somehow, my husband became angry because now we’re “allowed” to talk about sex. I’d always shut those conversations down in the past because I was afraid that my hidden side would be exposed and I feared conflict.

The problem is that we never actually get to talk about sex because we always end up revisiting the past.

I know that a penny dropped and I understood that he needs to get the past off his chest first before he can talk about the future. I really hope this doesn’t take too much longer!

I desperately need something positive to happen and to not feel that he’s constantly pissed with me.

A key thing that I came to understand is that we both think differently – this is an essential part of accepting who he is.

Not I have to also ask whether he is accepting that I also think differently?

Knackered

We eventually finished talking after nine. I had to wind down before bed and get ready for work. There’s the office Christmas lunch in the morning and I already anticipate that my social battery is going to be severely drained … being shattered and tired before the day even starts isn’t going to help.