The dream

Today’s counselling session began by me recounting a dream I had last night:

My husband and I had been selected to play two male characters in Swan Lake. The producers had decided that they needed some dialogue in the ballet and picked us. We were taken to the dressing room, where we realised that we'd not learned the script and we didn't know which parts were ours. We got dressed in the costumes, which were doublet and hose type things. We bickered quite a lot. Then I went searching for something and ended up in a shopping mall, but I found my way back in time to be wheeled onto the stage in a chariot or cart, still bickering, while the prompters whispered things at us and the audience laughed at our bickering and confusion.

Richard (my counsellor) was fascinated and we talked about possible meanings – because clearly this was a dream born from the stresses and anxieties in my marriage.

The missing script

The fact that the script wasn’t known to either of us and it made us both feel uncomfortable, could relate to neither my husband nor I really knowing what our roles are in our marriage any more. Or even knowing why we are together.

The bickering speaks for itself! Although, I didn’t really bicker on the dream, neither do I bicker in life – I suppose it was more me being harangued by my husband, but publicly.

The search

We wondered whether the section where I went searching for something reflects my exploration of myself.

However, the search felt more anxious and fretful because I didn’t know what I was searching for and I only had so long to do it in.

The cart

Richard wondered whether the cart might represent feeling out of control. Things happen and I have no agency, I feel blamed (by my husband). Perhaps the cart is time.

The laughter didn’t feel friendly, as in we were the focus of it because we didn’t have a clue what was going on.

The four A’s

I told Richard about a conversation that is had the night before with my husband about “The Myth of Normal” and the chapter on the Four A’s. It was a really interesting conversation about the section on authenticity.

The conversation wandered about a little, but somehow my husband ended up saying that I “didn’t know how traumatic the last year was for him”. I remember feeling irritated by it, because it’s as though every conversation has to come back to that heavy stuff.

Besides, the last year was bloody traumatic for me, too!

However, it was late in the evening, I was tired and I didn’t fancy picking a fight so late.

Coming back to things

I commented to Richard that I should have said something there and then, and that it seems that if I don’t speak at that time something occurs, then it’s too late to go back to it.

He thought that was tosh: after all, my husband keeps returning to conversations that happened years ago about which he still has feelings.

Indeed, for somebody like me, who needs time to process things, being able to return to a conversation is crucial, otherwise things cannot get dealt with.

Which, I suppose, connects to what my husband said about it conversations being isolated events that don’t link back to each other and therefore don’t progress forwards.

Sender’s responsibility

We talked a bit about how I’ve told my husband how best to communicate with me in order to get the best chance of having his message received.

Richard said that since my husband now knows how to talk to me, that he is actually responsible if the message becomes lost due to overwhelm or confusion.

That’s an interesting thought.

I read something similar once about Neurolinguistic Programming that the sender is responsible for the accurate reception of their message.

Responsibilities

My husband needs to tell me and help me understand what format I should communicate to him in so that he gets what I’m saying and that I do not risk causing a meltdown.

At the moment, just as he fears causing overwhelm in me (and therefore contributing to a shutdown), I am scared about causing an overwhelm in him (and causing a bipolar or PTSD episode).

Setting boundaries

Richard thinks that I am moving towards actually setting boundaries. When I am ok to talk to, when I need breaks, when I need space.

That is scary, because the husband already thinks that I am demanding a lot of compromises from him and not giving anything in return.

Timeout

The thing is, that I need down time and timeouts don’t just benefit me – they benefit the marriage.

If I am mentally and emotionally rested, then I am much more able to participate in our marriage – I can better hear what my husband needs me to hear.

My husband gets plenty of time to himself. I work from home two days a week and go into the office three days a week. One of those office days is only because my husband likes me to get out of the house.

He gets his down time on his own.

Reward ourselves

Last week, I didn’t have counselling because it was the anniversary when my husband and I became a couple. The husband didn’t feel like celebrating, so we didn’t do anything.

However, I realise that I felt very upset: unless we are going to have some good times, what the fuck are we doing with all this difficult and painful conversation?

We have to have some good stuff.

There’s a lot to mull over from this session!