Last night my husband and I did talk a little. It never got that troublesome, so I was not in any rush of shutting down, although I did feel inhibited to share things at times. I think he feels the same.

The problem he described was that we cannot move forward without first resolving the past. That’s something he can’t do.

On the other hand, I want to establish an idea of what our future might look like. I want to find some fun in our lives rather than all this painful analysis.

In truth, we probably need to do both. While building a more enjoyable present and creating an attractive future for us, we can talk about the past and draw lessons from it. It is axiomatic that those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it.

We are both afraid of triggering the other. That’s not a good place to start from, but it’s probably useful to recognise that fears and bring them out when we want to say something that might have an impact. “I want to say something, but I’m afraid that it will affect you…” perhaps?

My husband said that he had given up talking because it never got anywhere. He still has to watch when he talks and how he puts it.

I commented that our conversations seemed to be “set pieces” and wondered whether we might get further if we talked while we did something else, such as playing cards or walking. He said that was what he had been saying for ages (about the “set pieces”, he wasn’t keen on doing other things while we talked).

Neither of us can relax around the other. I really find myself thinking that we might both be happier in our own space.

Overall, the conversation was stilted and awkward, but I have to recognise that I opened it and we kept it going. Maybe next time will be a little easier.

Perhaps, I should suggest an activity and then start a conversation!