A year ago today I wrote my first blog post (A second coming out?). It was originally posted on the Eunuch Archive, where I received many warm and kind responses.

I thought it would be interesting to explore the themes raised during that post, what has happened since, and how I feel about things I discussed in that blog entry.

The origin of my desire

In the original post, I talked about the history of my desire to be castrated. I didn’t talk about gender identity at that time. I had to do quite a bit more processing before I was ready to consider that I didn’t fit on the traditional gender-binary.

Something I discovered early on, is that once the desire is aroused in a person, it never really goes away. The sense of dysphoria grows until it becomes unmanageable. Getting a medical or psychiatric professional to understand this dysphoria is extremely difficult; a diagnosis of Body Identity Integrity Dysphoria is unlikely to result in surgery, if you’re lucky you end up with a Gender Identity Dysphoria. However, we playing a game to get the help we need because pathologizing us just isn’t helpful.

The original post dealt with the confusion and fear around my desire to have my testicles removed. I couldn’t understand it – it took a long time for me to come to any kind of understanding that I could explain to another person.

On the spectrum?

It’s funny, but my husband was angry that I “from him hostage” when I referred to him describing me as “having Asperger’s or being on the spectrum”, yet my very first blog post included a paragraph where that was exactly how he had described me.

This ASD part of myself has always been there, exerting an influence over my life. Mine hasn’t meant that I couldn’t work, I believe that it has helped me in my chosen career, but it has harmed my relationships – and none more so that my marriage.

I have a referral open to be assessed for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. That also has a long waiting list.

New friends

Around the same time as I told my husband of my Dark Fantasies and my desire to be castrated (I couldn’t use the word “eunuch” to begin with – I felt that it had too many negative associations), I started making online friends.

The first post I ever made was to a Reddit group; I effectively asked “could anybody love a guy who had his balls removed?” I received quite the virtual beating – the first of many: the online world can be hard and abusive. A trans girl reached out to me and gave me a virtual hug. We chatted for a while afterwards, but drifted apart. I remain grateful for her kindness.

The weeks after I told my husband, I made a couple of long term friends, with whom I remain in regular contact – I’ve ever met one of them in real life!

These friends are valuable to me because we have shared experiences and a shared biology. They gave me a lot of support through very difficult times.

A discovery about chronology

I only started making online friends after I came out to my husband. To be sure, I’d had conversations with people, and I suppose those conversations might go on for several days, thanks to the wonderful pace of online chats and time zones.

I don’t expect that it would alter how my husband feels about those conversations, that sense of betrayal that I talked to others before I talked to him; whether I counted these people as friends or not it’s a nuance that probably won’t be relevant to him.

A difficult coming out

When I first told my husband about my desire for castration, I led up to it by talking about my Dark Fantasies. He heard what I said about them because suddenly some of my behaviour towards my husband and sex made shocking sense to him – it blew his world apart because he suddenly realised that I had been quietly coercing him into sexual roles that he was not happy playing and did nothing for him. He felt abused. I had abused him.

During that initial conversation, the thing that I most needed to talk about wasn’t heard by him because of his shock about everything else. This led to a period of intense pain for both of us, during which time I reached out to other people online and formed some long lasting friendships based on shared experience.

During this time, in my desperation, I constructed a self-castration kit, to be used if I could get some quiet time to myself when my feelings became completely unmanageable.

Missing gender

There was nothing about gender initially – it wasn’t something I’d considered as wrong because, in many respects, eunuch is a nuanced gender identity.

I think that gender emerged as I tried to explain my thoughts and feelings to others. It hadn’t mattered before, but the more I thought about it and explored it, the more I realised that I would be far happier identifying as gender-neutral.

There were so many people that I had to explain myself to – to defend and justify my need to – many of whom had the power to prevent me or make it very difficult. There was my husband (of course), the doctor (whom I do think we obstructive), psychologist, counsellor, and other mental and medical professionals.

I had to do much more research and thinking before I became completely happy with this understanding. I’m some respects, it wasn’t until I moved into the flat that I started to fully inhabit this identity and found that out made me really very happy to express myself in this way.

How I feel now

Today, I am very happy in my body. It wasn’t a mistake. I enjoy being naked!

Its been an incredibly difficult year.

My marriage is a mess and my husband’s heart is broken form all the crazy he’s had to endure from this this last year.

I had to wait seven months for hormones. I am now on a half-dose of Testavan, thanks to understanding endocrinologist.

I am starting to rebuild my fitness after such a long time without testosterone. I cannot emphasise enough the impact of low testosterone on my ability to exercise.

I have realised there there is a good chance that I am autistic.

I have an amazing counsellor.

I have made a number of very good friends through this process – these friendships are priceless.

I value the eunuch and nullo community enormously and look out for my brothers and sisters as best I can – paying forward the love and support others gave me.

The most important thing is that I am now my authentic self – and I will fight to be me. I have nothing to feel shame about and refuse to be invisible. I’m a little candle lighting a corner of this dark universe for eunuch-kind.