Richard, my counsellor, has arranged for us to meet somewhere else. It’s about twenty minutes walk from the house to the new location, which is right nextdoor to my doctor’s surgery.

I’d never been in that building before. The door was locked, but was opened as soon as the person in reception noticed me, which was right away. She asked me to sit and then offered a cup of tea! Lovely!

A room with a rug

Richard arrived, and the receptionist took us up to the lovely, comfy room, with armchairs, a sofa, and a rug!

I immediately kicked my shoes off and sat on the floor. It was such a lovely surprise and made me feel much more comfortable – it’s resemblance to my old safe space immediately reassuring me that this was going to work.

I’m not going to recap the last week here, but I quickly covered it with him. He seemed to feel the injustice of the situation with my husband, and could understand why I felt angry and hurt – and why I didn’t call an ambulance. Of course, he agrees that I should have, but he understood why I didn’t.

Not calling an ambulance is something I need to apologise to my husband for: my anger risked his life.

Commitment

I talked about how my husband had said that he was a one man guy – that that was who he is. The question for me is can I also be a one man guy? Just because I’ve not been unfaithful in all the time we’ve been together doesn’t mean very much – that wasn’t intentional: it was just me conforming to how I thought a relationship should be.

It seems that if we are to be monogamous that I must be intentionally so – committed to the exclusivity of the relationship.

Jealousy

I need to know what that actually means! Is flirting out? I hope not! Talking sexy is fun. I like to discuss kink – sometimes in a sexy way, sometimes in a way more resembling the way people talk about their favourite films or bands.

I said that I didn’t know whether my feeling differently about sex with other men was down to ASD and the way reactions can be unexpected and out of the ordinary, or some other reason, but I do not seem to experience jealousy in the way that my husband does.

My husband thinks that a little jealousy is good in a relationship, however I see it too close to possessiveness and therefore stifling. Which is also weird, because one of my kinks would be too be “owned” by somebody and wear a collar for them! That’s an interesting paradox that might be fun to explore.

Exploring kink frontiers

I would also want him to help me explore some of my fantasies. Something that upset him was that I “coerced” him into some of them. I’m not sure that I understand his use of the word, however it is true that I didn’t discuss the what’s and why’s of kink with him and just expected him to be as into it as I am.

There’s a lot for my husband and I to talk about.

The cycle of destruction

My counsellor recognises the cycle that my marriage is in. I share something with my husband, he goes into meltdown. I become more anxious about talking.

There is the other side of it: my husband talks, I go into shutdown, he feels unheard and ignored and his own depression and despair deepens.

We have a cycle of blame and guilt.

Richard thought that I really do carry far too much responsibility for my husband’s feelings – and for his crashes.

He recognised my own fatigue with the constant crises, and how it drains me and steals away my resilience.

Call security!

We talked about how to keep my husband safe. Richard suggested that I take care of the medication and put it in a safe box. I have done that in the past: somebody determined can usually break into them (that’s experience talking).

The key thing is that I again need to discuss with my husband how to take care of him when he is ill. That problem is greatly complicated by what – or who – the trigger is.

In addition, being my husband’s carer places an imbalance in the relationship. He already feels that I am controlling and managing his medications for him will increase that sense.

It is difficult to be responsible for somebody else when you sometimes feel unable to even take care of yourself.

Holding onto feelings

Towards the end of the session I said that I wanted to explore why I hold onto feelings, both mine and other people’s. We’re going to look at ways of letting go together next time.

After the session, I walked home slowly, reflecting on what we’d talked about, decompressing and feeling… happy! If a little bit tired.

These emotion things are exhausting!