A bit flabbier

My body has changed a lot in the last year.

The most obvious sign is weight gain. All of my trousers and shorts, even the ones with elasticated waists, are feeling tight. Some of them uncountably so.

During the period without testosterone I wasn’t able to exercise nearly a much. I didn’t live near to a gym, so that wasn’t happening, but neither was I rubbing as far – and that doesn’t need a gym.

Indeed, running is the best indicator of the change in my fitness levels: before surgery I would run between 12 to 15km and enjoy it, now I am probably struggling to run 2 or 3km.

I think there are a few reasons for this change:

• Low testosterone! That’s important for muscle maintenance and the energy to do exercise. Of course, however it’s not the only change.
• I don’t feel the same drive to exercise: I think part of my need to exercise was to feel better about myself and compensate for my confused feelings towards my gender. I also exercised for health reasons.
• The flat wasn’t near a gym, so there wasn’t the convenience of walking around the corner that there was in the house.
• A series of crises meant that it was very difficult to establish any kind of routine – and I need my routines! They give me as much balance to my mental health as exercise does.

I am getting concerned about my weight and fitness, but now there a new problem: the change in the season. When the nights and mornings start to draw in, my energy always drops and I want to hybernate! That makes getting up and doing exercise really difficult.

Mood food

I also eat because I’m scared of feeling hungry. I’ve learnt that when I’m hungry, that my mood changes and I become irritable.

I don’t always know that I’m irritable, but this is what I’m told. So I eat as soon as I feel hungry.

I think that I might also eat too for with low mood.

Mostly, I just eat because I love food.

An external observation

Last night my husband observed that I was “bigger than he’d ever known me”. I wasn’t upset by it, I have probably been this size before (I went through a period where I was wearing a trouser size larger than I do at the moment… which is probably the size I am now actually).

Teasing

So today I teased my husband by saying that he said that:

• I was so fat that I couldn’t see my own feet
• The he told me that I looked like a beached
• That he told me that he won’t hear a slither of bed to sleep in because I was so big

I have to be clear, all the above is me teasing him – he didn’t say that things to me.

He was worried that I was upset by it. I do have to do something for my own mental (and physical) wellbeing: I don’t want to have had this surgery and thrown our lives up into the air and then feel depressed because I’m overweight.

So what am I going to do about it?

The plan

So I need a plan, for my own physical and mental good.

• Re-establish an exercise routine. I’m good with routines and sticking to them. The problem might be getting up in the morning, so that means …
• Protecting my nighttime routine and sticking with that – even at weekends (which I tend to be more relaxed with).
• Go on a refined sugar free diet. That means no biscuits or chocolate during the week.
• I’m allowed one day off, which will probably be Saturday, when I can have sugary treats.

I’m so it from this week until my husband’s birthday on December.

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Talking

I had planned to start stripping wallpaper today, but my husband said that we need to talk.

I wasn’t surprised – we often need to talk, but especially after hubby has had an “episode”: I have learnt that what he says in such circumstances should be heeded! He’s said nothing in this latest mod crash, however, he had taken a serious overdose – and my response had been far from kind.

Wittering about Spain

I didn’t want to preempt whatever it was that husband wanted to say, so I talked about my hopes for a long trip to Spain next summer. I planned to visit the more remote areas by public transport, maybe in the north of Spain near the Pyrenees. It would be a real chance to practice my Spanish.

I talked about us both going.

Both of us together.

That proved to be enough for him to start talking himself…

The husband returns to himself

There’s no apology needed from him for being triggered: he had said all along that he was trying an open relationship for me. His brain perceived what I shared as being a massive rejection.

It has led him to realise who he is: he cannot do an open relationship – he is a one man (or eunuch) guy.

For my own wellbeing I have to treat this as his final answer. When I feel that he’s constantly changing his mind I myself get very distressed.

A choice

I appreciate his honesty. I wish it never tried to be something other than who he is.

The choice really is with me now: I’m on wedding to forego the expiration of my darker kinks in order to stay in my marriage?

I told him that I love doing more than messing around and having fun with other guys, but I must take some time to think about this.

We don’t want martyrs

He is afraid that if I do this “for him”, that I could end up resenting him. This is a possibility, so I must think very carefully.

My feeling is that it will be better to make an intentional choice, whether that is for sacrifice of my self-exploration or the marriage, rather than making an unconscious choice which could then have unfortunate consequences because of the lack of consideration.

I will take this to counselling with me on Tuesday. I also wish to discuss my problem with holding onto feelings long after the Pope period when they should be let go of.

A happy ending

I was tired after talking for so long. We started about 1pm and finished about 3:30pm.

My brain got only slightly sticky.

I think I was okay because at no point did the conversation get too fast or too hot. This feels like an important observation.

I asked whether he would like to go upstairs for a lie down with me in a cuddle.

So we did.