U-turn

More about last night, which proved unexpectedly difficult.

I got a text from my husband asking me to confirm the time of my counselling appointment.

I told him the time, and then asked whether he’d like me to either bring the time forward next time, or try to find somewhere else to have therapy. “We’ll talk about it later” be said.

I got home and opened the conversation. He was immediately aggy with me: “I don’t see why I have to go out of my home so that you can have counselling”. My initially feelings of wanting to accommodate him were lost. And my brain went into “what about all the times I drove him to his overeaters meetings? Or even that I go into the office several days a week because he wants me out of the house?” I was no longer feeling corporative.

I’m sat on those feelings because there wasn’t the time to take about it properly. Besides, going on the attack like that wouldn’t have helped.

Talking on the rug

There was a lot to talk to my counsellor about tonight. The first thing was sorting out somewhere else to meet. He’s going to get back to me about it.

I talked about the encounter with the workman and how I felt about it.

I realised that I had some hard boundaries. I couldn’t take him upstairs: I didn’t want him to be in our shared bed. I realised that I was ok with my husband taking somebody into his room, but not into our room. This means that, except for downstairs, that I won’t be bringing anyone home.

I’m not keeping this from my husband, but I am picking a moment when he and I can talk properly about it.

I talked about how I will tell my husband. The counsellor suggested that I check in with him how his trip went and gently explore whether he wants to hear about any things that I do.

If he does, then I will describe this as a fumble (which is accurate really).

I was finding this session incredibly difficult. I think that I wasn’t in a great space to begin with, but I could quickly feel my brain turning to glue.

I do notice that I don’t feel as though I’m being emotionally assaulted when this happens in therapy. I feel safe, yet the sticky brain comes anyway.

We wrapped up early – I wasn’t making any sense.

Then I went straight up to bed and hid under the covers for a couple of hours. I didn’t hear my husband come home and I was out of it until he came into the room and disturbed me, at which point I loudly said “I’m alright! I’m alright!” I don’t know why I said that.

Atmosphere

There was an atmosphere between my husband and me all night. It felt uncomfortable. I went to bed just before ten, read for a few minutes, then buried myself under the duvet again.

I snoozed all three my alarms and finally got up just after 8am. I started work at 830am.

The husband appeared briefly about 10am, and again around lunchtime. He’s not feeling very well. I still sense an atmosphere.

Tavistock GIC

Yesterday, I received a text message from Tavistock Gender Identity Clinic. Apparently, my doctor was wrong: they hadn’t rejected me and I am still on the waiting list.

I am not sure what to do with this. I no longer need their help, however I feel that there might be some community advantages in me meeting them and telling them that I’ve got myself sorted, but I could also use the opportunity to find out whether I was right that they wouldn’t help me (or others like me).

My husband thinks that I should give up my place for somebody who needs it.

I am open to suggestions here!